The harsh spotlight causes my anxiety to tighten my chest; my voice waivers as I stand on stage to introduce my poem. My voice is weak, I feel as if I wanted to crumble into nothingness. I sigh and start again, apologizing for everyone’s time as guilt washes over me. Who am I to be on this stage? Is this poem even worth sharing? These unnerving thoughts come and go as I bow my head in shame. I look up again and sigh “no” I thought, “I can do this, I want to do this”. With every breath, my confidence builds, and I become more determined to make my voice heard, to make my story heard. 

 Some days I woke up with a hole in my chest
You left me heaving a cold emptiness
I couldn’t eat
I couldn’t sleep
I couldn’t smile

My voice cracks under the weight of the pain I have been nurturing for the past year.

You forced me to believe that I was poison
that I was never worth saving
that I was never worth loving
that I was never worth it.

My voice cracks.

And I believed you.
Do you know that you became my phantom limb?

I paused trying to find the courage to continue.

That on some nights I can still feel my fingers trace the contours of your skin?

I had left an abusive relationship, but instead of gaining unbounded confidence, I carried a burden of shameful defeat. Even after the breakup, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety and worthlessness stayed. For months, my lungs inhaled air but could not exhale the pain and sorrow that festered in my bones. I blamed myself for what happened. I blamed myself for staying. I blamed myself for leaving. This exhausting self-destructive cycle made me grow restless.

I tried to live quietly, tread lightly and feel less. I believed that given time, the crippling pain would recede. I took on multiple responsibilities and devoted myself to school, work, and extracurricular activities in futile attempts to distract myself. However, time can only heal the wounds that aren’t continually re-opened. The pain can only fade, if you let it.

The spotlight softened to a hazy glow surrounded by darkness. Suddenly I felt his presence, the intended recipient. I stare into the light and smile
“I forgive you”.

And for the first time in months, I felt like I could breathe again. Although it was only for a fleeting moment, I finally wasn’t in pain.

Through the turmoil and distress, I have persevered through both emotional and physical pain. I have learned how to endure through sadness and cope with defeat. But with poetry, I starting to learn how to heal myself.