I watch you only having to walk through a field of flowers to get where you need to. I walked through the same field with chains and heavy gear on my body. 

I watch you have everything at reach; when my arms are too short to reach anything I need.

I watch you complain about your life; your parent. As I sit in a lonely house watching the ghost like memories of my parents replaying in my head. (Wishing I could see them once again.)

I envy you when you invited me over for your family meals but I see you displeased by your family sharing stories. My eyes wide open taking in all the love at your dinning table and your eyes are shut, looking down trying to ignore all you have .

I envy you no wait I envy what you have . You have everything in front of you but you want more. At first I thought I envied you. I felt so petty being jealous of my best friend. Jealously could barely describe the lusting heartburn I felt when I would cry when I imagined I prayed your live being mine.

Your life was pure joy. My life is pure joy appreciating all I have. The moments we can never replace or ever feel the same. I am putting my hand over my chest feeling my heart beat. Ticking. One day it will stop and that is absolutely granted. I can't throw away a single precious second. 

 It's all happening and you're about to miss it. I am not the jealously I feel, I am not pathetic or underprivileged. I am truly privileged. To be able see the beauty in things; to have lungs that allow me to breathe, to live. It's a shame you don't realize that enough. It's shame you didn't see me as anything other than a chairty case.