June 13, 2016 at 10:36 PM

I really hate having social media

I hate having to see you two together

Not because I’m against the idea

But because that was supposed to be us

No one told me what heartbreak felt like

No one warns you as to what happens

No one tells you

To guard your heart

As you would guard money

I fell in love

And no one stopped me

No one told me that I was hurting myself

I was told to believe in love

Believe that there is someone who loves you

And you’ll know exactly as to whom

I thought I knew

And that’s why I created scenarios

On scenarios of how life could

And should be

I imagined the positives of loving you

And the negatives

Because I knew life couldn’t be perfect

But somehow

It always was when you were around

Now I have nothing

I have a hole in my chest

Far too big for fixing

I have given myself

Dedicated my everything

To a man who

Couldn’t even bother

To memorize my middle name

I memorized all of you

From the texture of your hair

In which you spend 20 minutes doing

All the way down

To which socks you wear with your shoes

I have fallen in love with a man

Who will never love me

You never seemed to notice me

Even when you stared for too long

You never noticed

The love I was trying to share

But now that you’re with him

You notice me

You choose to let me
Have access to your life

Just so I could see you happy

You’re there

In the place I imagined us going to

I imagined the photos we could have taken

And every caption

To show how priceless our love was

And you’re there

With him

And all I can see

Is your love for him

Your arms wrapped around him

Telling him you love him

Telling him you will always love him

That was supposed to be me

That was supposed to be us

And that is what I hate

Because I am not him

And I will never be him

And we will never be us

Looking back on all the poems

All the late nights

I spent on you

There was never a chance

There was no possibility of you loving me

And that’s what hurts the most

You will never love me

You will never be

The man I share my first kiss with

You will never be

The man in my photos of love

You will never be

The man in my arms

Holding me

While I become shaky

You made life seem worth it

You made the world seem

A little less scary than what it is

And what others made it out to be

You identified with hope

And I loved that

I loved how you appreciated life

And I thought we could be beautiful

I love that you’re happy

Believe me

But it kills me to know that

I am not

And I will never be the reason why

I am in love with a man

Who will never love me

I have been trying to stay sane

Trying to cover up

The bruises

The scars

The hurting

With a dose of happiness

In which doesn’t last long enough

And I run out of it too fast

Everything starts to go numb

As I try to keep myself

From feeling like an accident in a blender

You never experience the feeling

Until it happens to you

You’ve seen your friends

Have their hearts ripped out

And torn apart

But you can only understand

When it happens to you

And when it does

If feels like someone

Pouring alcohol
Into your wounds

Over and over again

Because the pain never stops

As you try to remind yourself

That everything will be okay

Because the one who

Used to make you feel secure

Is too busy to notice

While their arms are

Wrapped around someone else

And you say it

You yell it out loud

Because you think that somehow

It will make it better

But it doesn’t

The words I have written

And the words others have written

Haven’t been able to
Put this pain in words

I am at a lost

Within the dictionary

Trying to figure out a word

Or a phrase

To describe this feeling

There are many comparisons

But never a match

Or a definite definition

Looking back on the

Hope and the stupidity

I kept swallowing

Because I believed

I trusted

I hoped

That we could have been

With just a little time

And you used that time

To love someone else

I hate loving a man

Who will never love me

-(hms)