I felt this sadness. Not the kind that makes you cry, and cry for hours; hell maybe cry for days. No, it was the echoing sadness. The kind that somehow gets pushed into the corner unwelcome. This sadness was the haunting kind. It was simply uninvited during the day, but bearable, just put on the act that follows with such a sadness. It was the nights, when it killed me, every night. It was this murderous sadness, devouring every ounce of light i once had, it haunted strong above me as i lay in bed. It picked at my scabs behind me, and strangled me all around.Absorbingme. I didn't cry, i just forgot to breath. When i would wake up from seemingly sleepless nights there was that deceiving moment of courage in clarity, only to slowly cower away once more as the sun began to fall.
I was alone, more alone than i had ever been before. I had people that i talked to, people that i cared about, people i loved, and that one person above all i loved. She and i would get tied into conversations throughout the day on our phones, chatting or texting just talking. It was like we were next to each other just talking, only this way i had time to think of what to say, i liked that, some sense of security. I was afraid of saying something without thinking and regretting, yet naturally after every message sent i felt a longing to be with her, to possibly grab her hand, or just edge a little closer to her. This longing i knew was that sadness in the corner, this atrocious anxiety, waiting for the night. It was at night all these people, would say goodnight to me; I regretted letting them go, butdidn'twish toburdenthem with my insomnia. They all said goodbye, and i knew then i was alone. Sometimes they didnt say goodbye or goodnight, that was the worst. I don't like being left alone, but i need the closure in a goodbye or a goodnight to say that i love them, or him, or her, or... her.
These words i so selectively chose to say throughout each day were an everlasting attempt to let her know i can't stop, that i need her, that im so scared and all i want is to feel her arms around me. It is so rare that a love like this is so fondly acknowledged, so rare for something as strong as this to just come by as happenstance. I accept this jagged love, and all the pain that comes with it; I will wait every day until the day i can be with her in this shroud.
I often imagine scenes of my extreme courage andspontaneityto go through all the odds to be with her, kissing her, and hugging her. The loneliness does not make me cry, the fact that she is there, but i am so helpless here does. I can see us crying together in a frenzy of happiness upon my arrival. I contemplate plans of how to surprise her, or make her heart swell; my heart swells just as the thought crosses my mind and i smile, for a moment. I see us in a car, playing the most beautiful music as we venture off to god knows where. We go out to a field, and light off paper lanterns with many others and they engulf the night sky; out there there are more stars than one could ever imagine, and we lay out in thetruck-bedon a mattress under the stars, or possibly just in the grass on a picnic blanket. I hope i kiss her right then and there, just in the moment; no planning, and she would smile a little perfect smile, mine would follow.
I imagine us. I hope she imagines us, at 3:13 at night. I hope in some respects I'm not alone. I hope that we unknowingly share this loneliness.
Maybe we share this sadness, this echoing sadness, this haunting madness.