this year i made more good decisions than bad than good, i made more friends than i lost and i kept my 3.7 GPA. I stopped staying awake at night to destroy my life and started staying awake at night to finish papers for English and read books I thought were pretty great. I didn’t live on coffee and cigarettes, or energy drinks and pills. This is the year if I succeeded in killing myself when the mortician cut my open I would actually bleed blood and rockstar energy drink wouldn’t drip from my veins, cigarette smoke wouldn’t seep from my lungs. I ran like a human being and not a well-oiled machine, I slept, I ate, I socialized. Everything was balanced, everything was great. And then I got an f in pre ap English, the stress made me slip into bad habits and I started becoming a person I didn’t want to be again and I didn’t know if I could control it. Seven months, and we were thick as thieves I told you about my problems and instead of helping me you told me that you had to worry about yourself but that isn’t how a relationship is supposed to work, you said you didn’t have time for my issues since they never changed, they were always the same. It's not my fault. it's not my fault that I start to slip in school and I close down and I push my friends away. I don’t mean to make myself lonely but it seems like it’s the only thing i'm good at. We started getting worse after that, we couldn’t spend more than fifteen minutes in a room together without fighting and I would end up crying myself to sleep more often than not and then I got my act together and decided if I wasn’t going to fail my English class than I need to change and I met mrs. Anderson for the first time and I have never felt more motivated to succeed than I did when I first walked into her classroom. I did great in English and I started to come back out of my shell I stopped making excuses when my friends wanted to hang out on the weekends and I met a boy who I had a great connection with. If I had known the friendship would have been just as toxic as my relationship I would have run as fast as I could in the other direction but it seemed fine, so innocent, it was going to be okay, I needed more friends anyways….right? and then I was talking to him more than my boyfriend and I felt better with him than anyone and it was becoming a problem so I pushed him away and shut him out and then i started to push everyone away. i felt so guilty i lost a lot of friends this year, and eventually lost my boyfriend, the month of graduation. And I had no one to talk to about it. I fell full force back into my bad habits, I didn’t stay home at night, I would wake up at my friends house two miles away, I wouldn’t remember walking there or falling asleep, and I would throw up in the bushes outside of her house before walking back home to sleep for an hour and get ready for school. I was miserable, and only two people really saw me through it. Granted i never told them what was going on because I didn’t want to push them away but matthew never left, jourdi never left. and they never threatened to leave and i never had a friendship like that. i never had anyone stay when things got tough and they didn't get mad when i hid things but i also knew i shouldn't have to hide. it scared me knowing two human beings loved me so completely and they never had to say it but i always felt like they were disappointed in me and i stopped. everything. hit the breaks and let the car idle. i was speeding down the wrong path and i was scared of dragging them down with me. This year was terrifying and I was scared of not waking up in the morning and did things that I would have a hard time recovering from if it weren't for them. i owe them my life, because i probably would have ended sophomore year in a casket, and if i did i would ask for honeysuckle at my funeral so my last moments would be as sweet as they were.