I have never looked at a girl that way.

I don’t know why this girl did it for me. What about her made my heart race, made my hands twitch and my face heat up? What was it about her that I could not handle inside? She always intimidated me. She made me scared to make eye contact and I wanted to avoid where she was. 

So why? Why what, I don’t know. I haven’t tried anything. She didn’t look my way and I didn’t look her way in any sense that didn’t appear to be normal. 

Though I did want to hold her hand. For her arms to be around me the way she held that girl. For me to be the girl she talks about. Who she’d defend. I like to think I could make her happy. She could be friends with whoever and wouldn’t have to pace in fear. I’d trust her and she could feel safe. I wouldn’t strike her. I wouldn’t say terrible things to destroy her psyche.

I was starving for her eyes and the way they glinted when she smiled. The glow of her big eyes. Full and wanting, but not of a desire for me. I needed her voice. The raspy and hoarse sound of a boyish teenage girl. I wanted to hear her laugh and I wanted to hear her say things of nothingness, pure rambling but I could listen to her forever. 

Could I do that? 

Maybe. 

But I will not try. I won’t get involved if I barely even know the girl. That doesn’t entirely mean that she won’t plague my mind.