We are aware

of the rumours

you’ve been hearing.

We would like to address

this issue

because there has been

some panic and

fear.

I will read you

a statement:

 

Hello Everyone.

We are aware of the graffiti

and the rumours that have spread

about it.

The police investigated

and have determined that there is

no credible threat.

We do not know

who is the author

of the threatening message,

but we assure you:

they are not a threat.

Whoever wrote it

will probably be punished

to some extent of the law.

We are told

that you have nothing to fear.

We need to focus on school,

not the White Supremacists

in your bathroom stalls.

I can promise you personally

that you will all live

long and happy lives

and you do not need to worry

about any of your classmates

trying to slaughter you

en masse.

There has been an email

sent out to parents,

saying that we must calmly accept

the threat of death,

and continue sending

our children to school.

We are taking measures

to ensure your safety.

Faculty meetings

will now include

Jiu Jitsu

and paramilitary disarmament tactics.

Sergeant Harry Truman

of the County Police Department

will be your new vice principal,

and I promise

he will do everything in his power

to keep our white students safe.

We are outfitting the school

to do away with all windows,

for we recognise

the threat they pose

to your safety

and well-being.

There will now be a

tactical element

to fire and earthquake drills.

The football team

has been supplied with kevlar,

night-sticks,

and mace,

and will be tasked

with the maintaining

of serenity and order

on this campus.

None of you

will be shot today,

or any day,

ever.

There is no problem,

you are all perfectly safe,

you must behave

as though this is normal,

because it is.

This message will be repeated

every Monday and Wednesday

until you begin to believe it.

 

There will be an option

of Navajo tacos

or chicken alfredo

in the lunchroom today.

 

Thank you,

and have a nice day.