I smell my grandmother's perfume mixed with the smells of the scalped potatoes welcoming themselves into my room. There's joy and sadness in seeing my grandmother. I fear for her life as she battles with depression smell of the angst of the times she has spent contemplating the end. I wonder if she's tried I wonder if she tried to pop a pill or two she tried to drown herself in her tub she tried to hang herself from her crystal chandelier as for pets looked up to her wondering what was happening I wonder if she was thinking about us when she did it I wonder if she's thinking about him and how he hit her every time she would even try to defend herself I wonder if she's defending herself now or just running away and I know suicide is not a joke and I know it's not a way to think and to live and it's nothing to be taken lightly especially when you've never dealt with that yourself I know that suicide is serious should not be turned and fucked with so it seems selfish and made to be about the people around you. It's really about someone that had lost a will to live lost a soul to be partnered with. It's about the death of you. But I should be about you wanting to live for you not for someone standing to the right or left for you know I wonder if I will be able to live for me. I wonder if I will receive these inks as a gift in the mail when I reach my 18th or 21st or 25th birthday I wonder if these attributes will come in for shot glasses or my first puff of marijuana I wander I will gain me somehow when I reach to college if I will earn my spot in the AA group hello my name is Rilyn Gardner and I have depression and deal with thoughts of suicide. I wonder if I am being selfish for wondering. I wonder when I leave my room to embrace my grandmother I will be different. I will be given the Midas touch of saddens and guilt. I'm sorry for wondering so much. I wonder why I do.