Gone Boy

Dear boy who left too soon,

 

I often ask myself why—

wondering if it was something I said or something I did

that made you feel as though you weren’t enough,

that made you feel as though we were better off without you.

If I did, I’m sorry. 

I feel like shit, looking back and realizing I didn’t see the hurt you were hiding so well.

I did nothing to help you; I did nothing to ease your pain.

I never saw it coming, and I’m sorry.

I thought you were this happy boy, this happy boy who had the girl he loved,

the friends he’d always wanted, the life he’d always dreamed of having. 

Never had I been more wrong.

 

I remember our years together—

you with your golden hair and suntanned skin and those weird collarbones that stuck out even more after you broke them;

I remember your laugh and the crinkles around your mouth when you smiled;

I remember the braces you hated having, even though we all had to go through them eventually;

I remember how you loved that girl with all your heart, even when we told you she was only going to break it.

But the only hearts that ended up breaking were our own.

 

Even from the beginning, we knew that girl was going to give you trouble.

She played you over and over again, but your too-big heart refused to believe it;

You only saw the good in her, and it was only a matter of time before it blew up in your face.

She didn’t deserve someone like you. We all knew it. 

I think she knew it too, and that’s why she can’t let go of you, especially now that you’re gone.

But of course, our parents told us she wasn’t to blame—

never had I heard such an horrible excuse.

 

It wasn’t until the next year that the truth came out. You had left a note after all:

It was her, it was her all along. She broke you down until you couldn’t bear to fight anymore;

She took away your happiness, and none of us were smart enough to see how much it hurt you;

She took away everything from you, and so you had to take away everything from her.

But did you realize, in that moment, when you made your choice, that you would be taking everything from us too?

 

Almost two years later and your best friend still has all that resentment built up inside,

so much that he can barely even look at the girl who caused you so much pain.

Almost two years later and some of us can’t be separated from this town because the fear of moving on from you terrifies even the strongest of us. 

Almost two years later and the girl who broke your heart has stolen countless others.

We have panic attacks in the parking lot and cry over your obituary on the best of nights.

The worst nights and the pain that comes with them can’t even be described—

any words we come up with aren’t strong enough.

 

Anyway, this wasn’t supposed to turn into such a rant.

I just wanted to say that I don’t blame you anymore—

I love you. We all love you. 

As much as I hate to say it, deep down, I think she still loves you too.

And even though we were angry with you for a while, 

and even though we still don’t understand why you had to go, 

just know that we still love you. Every day.

We miss you and your dorky smile, and we won’t ever forget the Jurassic Park movies you couldn’t stop gushing about.

We miss you. Every day.

 

Graduation won’t be the same without you, you golden boy,

but we’ll save a place for you in the seats, right next to that place you’ll always have in our hearts.

 

With love,

A girl who still can’t believe you had to go

This poem is about: 
Me
My community

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