Fuck First Loves

My first high was falling in love at the wrong time with the right words


Polite words that struck like fireworks to a young girl so afraid to be alone


She would try to work out all the wrinkles in a crumbled page


Going on double dates just to watch the one she loved stare at the waitress


I often stayed in fucked up situations that I look back on with hatred


Choosing to remain faceless over facing this emptiness from the waist up


Yet to have a bad break up


I just let them come and take what they need


I am never pleased but always deceived


Always in need of someone who needs me


Someone who sees me for more than what I am


For the things that I can be and can't see when I fail to look more than skin deep


I still keep a picture of him and I by my beside


I still read all the ink I left behind after he left


I still play in that black dress that I'd hoped he would have undressed me in


I still look through him like I'm upset with him


When really I'm just afraid I'll let him in even after he gave me back the key


I've locked this door before


Changed all the locks and got bored of being alone


Still giving second chances to feel less invisible


He only loves me when I stop being miserable because of him


He is only concerned when I act like I'm no longer into him


When I only read his text and stop being the one sending them


I know when he calls he's only craving the attention


And I've finally decided I won't be the one giving it


I won't be his distraction


I don't want to be the third option when the other two begin acting


Like they love themselves more


I want to love myself more and give less of myself away


I used to ask God to make him stay


Now I am the one leaving


Funny how things changed after I stopped letting him lead me on


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