Four Years Wasted

Four years ago, the mention of his name would send my whole body in a tizzy.

I craved his attention.

I craved his body around me because I felt safe.

I craved his beautiful bright brown eyes on me.

I had thought I liked him because he was beautiful and sweet and simple... 

He was only beautiful in his looks and he was only sweet to me when he wasn't with his sickeningly disrespectful friends and he was only simple when I first met him.

It took me all of high school to realize what a coward he was and what a coward he still is.

He was a coward because he never stuck up for me when I needed someone.

He is a coward who still hasn't apologized for the damage he had caused for four long years.

He messed me up; he made me physically and emotionally tired.

I spent all of my senior year of high school fantasizing me screaming in his face and showing him all my scars.

He mocked me over and over and over.

The worst part was how he knew how much I loved him. He was smart and he knew just how to get under my skin.

I would stay by his side, no matter what... because I loved him.

I don't hate him; I could never hate him.

I was wrong about him, though.

He didn't like me, he thought I was "weird" and "annoying".

He didn't like me, he lied to me.

He didn't like me, he made fun of me.

He didn't like me, he took advantage of the fact I liked him.

He didn't like me, he became one of the "popular" kids.

If I could take it all back, I would.

Mayben then I wouldn't have had such a horrible high school experience.

I would've been happier with the way I look.

I wouldn't have felt so ashamed to be myself.

I would've felt happiness instead of numbness.

The mention of his name now just brings up regret.

Deep, desperate regret.

 

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