Lonely and sad
but further than that
I am something more
something I cannot yet understand
Whatever this is
It takes hold of me like a three year old grasping their favorite toy
or like the constant waves of an ocean at 3 in the morning
This thing, 
it is in control
It takes me over until I cannot feel myself being pulled away from the things that i am and all i aspire to be
Whatever this thing is
I need to let it go 
because it is taking away all that i love
replacing it with sleepless nights
scars on my skin
and the constant thought that tells me to disappear
but I cant 
I must stay here
putting on my mask
lying when people ask me what wrong
I’ll sit here singing my own song
the one filled with mourners at a funeral 
and a desert’s silence
With sadness and exclusion
in heartbreak and nonexistent happiness
this thing has me under its hold 
no escape in sight
So maybe
I just might
disappear in the queer existence of the invisible people just like me
Finally giving in to this thing I cannot yet understand