Day One

You were born

Life has rekindled

A flame of hope has been ignited from within

I held you and cried

Both of joy and sorrow

Its as if life has repeated

I lost one because they hated my love

I lost my daughter because I couldn't comprehend

 

Day 1460 you just turned 4 and you got a papercut

I understood how to heal your booboo

I kissed the pain away

I asked you how you felt and you told me

I asked what happend and you told me

I told you I love you and you said you loved me more

 

Day 3650

You just turned 10 and a boy asked you on a date

I told  you it was okay to go

You smiled brighter than new born star

You said you will always love me

 

Day 5475

You just turned 15

You asked to dye your hair

I asked what color and you showed me a picture

I said yes

You hugged me and said you loved me

I was starting to understand

 

Day 6934

Your 19 birthday is tomorrow

I said you could go to the beach with friends

You leave

I don’t call because I know you want to be free

You want to be you, I get it and so

I don’t call

You were supposed to return today

It’s your birthday

I didnt a call

I waited for your angelic voice

You didn’t call

I called  

I called

I called

I remember I remember this day as if its my life on repeat

Repeat

Trying and trying to get an answer

An answer from you

All I want is you and your not there it's been 5 years and your

Gone

You’re gone

Your sister needs you I need you but your gone I thought I understood I still dont I still don't understand

I mean what is a parent?

But just an anomaly of a category where you have to care for someone

You couldn’t even care for yourself

I didn’t get the memo

I didn’t get the plan

I didn’t know the lingo

I don’t understand, where was the “how to be a mom” book that had a chapter on depression, loneliness and the remnants of the haze of a person I don’t even know, yet I birthed

I mean

Counselors told me it was a phase

The forums said to let you be

I did what i thought was okay

The psychiatrist said im overthinking

But

The track in my mind is broken

The record is scratched, laden with your overdose

and I’m

Scratching at my sanity

I just wish i could of made you smile more

Held you more

Said i loved you more

The doorbell rings

It’s your sister she said her phone died

She said the car broke down and they had to stay the night

She hugged me and said she loved me more than life itself

But I wished the hug was more crowded

I made her, her favorite

the same as yours pancakes

And even though I could spare a million thoughts

The one that remain never changes

I want you here, badly

And I’m sorry for not understanding while you were here

But I get it now, even if I don’t. And that’s okay.