If I wasn't a part of anyone's life
I think I'd be dead right now
To be honest,
I don't think I'm living for myself anymore
But I'm living to keep everyone else happy
I can't remember when things became this way
When did I start being scared
That I'd hurt the people who cared about me
I don't want to exist
But I cant stand thinking about the idea
Of hurting my family
Or the friends who still do think about me
I hate imagining a funeral
With any of them crying
I don't want to make them sad
Or make them think it was their faults
Cause this was probably something
That would've happened someday
Anyday
The last time I almost ended everything
I thought of my sister's face
And I thought of my parents
I couldn't imagine ever losing them
So I thought about how they would feel
If they lost me
So I couldn't pull that trigger
Or end everything
I can't tell if this is a sign of weakness
Or a sign of strength
When my hand gets stuck
When this thing's cocked to my head
I don't want to be selfish
And I guess I don't want to be dead
But the truth is
I also don't want to exist
In a world as messed up as this