Sometimes I wonder why I'm still with you. Because of all the pain you put me through. I always have to lie to myself that you would change. We've been together for so long, its still the same. you never used to get mad so easily. It's ever since the cancer, you've gotten so mean. You'd always apologize for getting me hurt. Then a week later, you're still a jerk. I'm trying to be that different girl. The one who will rock your world. But why does it feel like I'm not enough? Is it my face my weight or other stuff? It's always about you getting mad. I'm always crying and feeling sad. I swear to the sky that this shit always happens. Its so unhealthy, my brain has blacken. Sometimes I wonder why do i stay? Because all you do is tell me to go away. I mean we do have our good and our bad. But what's the quantity?Is there more good than the bad?I just don't want to be hurt anymore? Can't you see i can step out that door? Why is it that you don't care if I leave? Why can't you fight for us just like me? Why can't I just be like you and leave? I just want to see how it would be? But I know you wouldn't wait for me. You'd move on because then you're free. Why does it hurt to be with you? Did it hurt those other girls too? I just want to leave you. They say there are others, but what if that's not true? One day would we end? Because now I'm feeling like I'm playing pretend. Some days I'd loose feelings, then after that the feelings come back hesatating. People ask why I'm still with you. Because I'm ambitious and you gave up on school. I just say, "Well he's a nice guy...", why do I lie? why does the truth shy? I wish you can feel the same feels that I feel. This pain is unbelievable, and if I would've known, I'd tell you from the start NO DEAL. It hurts to know that I don't have friends. All I have is you as a friend. You're always there when I vent. You were the guy that i have dreamt. If i told you this now, you would tell me to leave. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't ever flee. This makes it seem like you're the bad guy. I'm pretty sure it's my fault too no lie. I'm annoying, stupid, fat, and ugly. I've hurt you too, and I'm really sorry. The truth is that I really don't want to leave. I promised to love you because we were meant to be. But I question, if this is meant to be, will you always be the one to hurt me? I want to stay because we've been together so long, why leave and be afraid? Ugh just kill me now, because it might feel better than how, you would make me cry and not stay by my side. I don't want to be the one to make you mad all the time. I want to be the one to make you happy and shine. But I want you to tell me what you want, because if you leave, I'lll try not to stop. I love you so much, that it hurts. I wonder how life would be, if you weren't my first?