As kids we question

We question the small things not the big ones

Things what does this taste like, is there a monster under my bed

The thought sparks in my brain like fireworks on Fourth of July

Reigning down red and blue

Causing A rush of adrenaline

I want to touch everything

Experience the world

Still, at the age of two

As time goes on we slowly learn

Yes there is a monster and it lives in our heads

It thinks the thoughts it wonders and whens

 After a while we learn not to question,

We learn not to say anything at all.

                                                     We learn that age matters and our thoughts don’t.                        

We learn to think…

You’re. Not. Old. Enough.

The feeling of dread

The deep pit of despair

All causing

 The slamming of the iron doors in my head

Slowly but surely bolting them in

Don’t ask

Stay silent

My brain repeats you’re not old enough

The sounds of my elders echo in my brain

Why would you try to question?

At the age of four

The little girl in the blue dress asks

 Mommy why is daddy yelling?

One day I’ll tell you sweetie but not today

YOURE NOT OLD ENOUGH

At the age of 6 when dear old dad comes stumbling in

The mirror crashing sending shatters tumbling to the ground

The clanging of the table hitting against the wall

The stomping of the feet up the stairs then back down

As yet again dad tumbles and fell

Clanging, shaking them all

Mommy what’s wrong with daddy she yells with the tear stained cheeks

I’ll tell you when you’re older my baby girl

Everything’s okay for today

YOURE NOT OLD ENOUGH

The sound crashes in my head

The creaking of the doors moving just a bit closer

My thoughts don’t matter

All go hidden away

YOURE NOT OLD ENOUGH my brain screams

At the age of ten

Quietly we sit and they say

We’re getting a divorce

 You don’t love each other? She cries with bags under her eyes

You don’t get it my love they say

You’re not old enough everyone ingrains into my brain

At the age of 13

Brave and strong she is

Father dearest came screaming in

Scared of his fists

Scared of his state

Momma Momma she yells stops him

Why are you letting him hurt you?

Don’t meddle in things you don’t understand she reply’s

You’re too young they scream

YOU’RE NOT OLD ENOUGH

The voices in my head agree

At the age of 15

I stop asking

I keep quiet

 When Papa runs out the door

The shaking of the house

The creaking of the floor

The dust shifting down from the ceiling

While momma cries and yells for him never to come back

With scars on her face and blood dripping down her lip

Hurt and in pain

My brain never utters a question

No wonders

No thoughts

This is her life nothing new

Her brain doesn’t even bother

The echo of everyone in her life screaming YOURE NOT OLD ENOUGH

Keeping her brain from racking with thoughts

As time goes by

People age

The little girl isn’t so little anymore

She’s done, Gone and grown

And at the age of 17 this is not what you expect

Not some kid questing their lives or wanting to stay home,

No plans for the future

Just a deadbeat dad who tore a hole

Thoughts raced in her brain

Her palms sweat with glee

The butterflies danced and twirled

All because she had met him

The dates were like a fairytale

The fireworks she had dreamed of when she was little

All came crashing back when she kissed him

For she was in love

But god forbid shed ever tell him

Her mind thought and screamed

shes NOT OLD ENOUGH

So when her brain calls out yerning tell him she loves him she stays silent

Yet what she would never expect

The words utter slowly from his mouth

One syllable at a time

One Constants, one vowel

As the girl in a new pretty blue dress sits in awe

I love you he says

You are old enough

Her dreams shine through

Her thoughts skyrocket in wonder

Where can I go, what can I see

In an instant she realizes

What everyone says

What everyone thinks

They’re wrong and it’s not about me

They don’t wanna realize they’re hiding from the truth

They don’t wanna acknowledge their faults

They don’t wanna see that I achieve much more then they believed

for I am strong enough

I am brave enough

I. am. Old. Enough.

To question and puzzle

To love and be loved

 To just be me