I feel too deeply

I don’t know how to describe it

If I sit too still, I no longer feel my feet

I know they are under my legs

But that's not where I feel them

That same….

Clouded

Feeling I guess

I get in my head

It makes me feel that my head is bigger

Than it actually is…

I don’t know

It’s ass surreal

I don’t

Can’t

Let people go

I remember my preschool friends!

Why

What mind holds memories like that?

Pointless ones

I never wrote them down

Didn’t tell people about them

There isn’t a word in the language

I speak that can picture this emotion

Music can mimic it

It makes me want someone

Someone to just watch me

I want someone to watch me

And to notice the little things

But I think I’m scared

Or some other human emotion unknown to me

But I wish

With every part of

My soul

To find

Someone

Who will fit against me

Like a puzzle when I lay down

Someone who can pick me up,

And slowly lay me down

Gently

As to not break the already broken down

Heap of a girl, I can fall into

And lay at my side

Mend me together with words and kisses

Fussing the cracks and bruises

I’m covered in

Battles my mind hid from me

Stay at my side while I fall asleep

Growing ever-tired from being put together

I know this man exists

He has to

I don’t think I would be able to live any longer

If I didn’t know he wasn’t here

Breathing on the same planet I am

What I’m terrified of

Is that he will be one of the people

Who breaks me

It keeps me up at night

The hidden fear that

Maybe

Those mending hands

Will find other souls to hold

Ones that don’t need as much…..

“Attention”

And that soon

I won’t feel any of the broken parts anymore

I’ll feel whole

Then I’ll come to you only to find

You’ve found another

I know I will break

I had a great grandmother die of a broken heart

Is it possible to die of a broken heart

Without even ever meeting the person?

I’ve dreamt of a thousand ways we could meet

Is that normal?

I don’t understand myself

Some,

Most people don’t believe in soulmates

Or if they do

They think that there is more than one

‘Soulmate’ out there for them

And that they will choose between them

I can’t believe that

I know

Know

There is only one person for me

And i’m losing

Not hope

But ambition

The world

It keeps throwing punches

I don’t know how much laughter

Is left in me

How many

Days I have left I can hold on

My thoughts are a scary place

I need people who have known me

And who can be there for me

After I’ve been there for others

Someone once told me

I am the kind of person who tries to

Carry the whole world on their shoulders

They weren’t wrong

I am what I am

I’m on the brink of collapsing

I need someone to take the load

Of the sky

The problem is

The burden is invisible

None of my friends I’ve tried

Talking to about it seem to notice

No one does

And I don’t even know if I believe

In God

Sometimes I feel spiritual and “close to heaven”

But

Other times, like when I pray

I wrap my mind around something

And I ‘metaphorically’ feel close

To something but I don’t know

I have a patriarchal blessing

And all but mom who hasn't taught me anything about prayer

The whole eternity concept scares me

Lots of things scare me

I live in constant fear

Of migraines

Of “itchy feelings”

Of abandonment

I don’t know anything anymore