Growing up my favorite toy was a doll

I would play with her every day

Find ways to create my own realities 

Have freedom to control how she lived

 

What she did for work

who she loved

what she ate 

What her favorite things were

 

Tugged her every which way

Pulled her to my will

All till she ripped 

She was too well-loved

 

I also envied her

Her ability to not have a worry in the world

I wanted to become that doll

Until I was that doll

 

That doll is no longer my favorite

It reminds me of a time that I wish not to remember

The day I told my story 

 

“Now tell me where he touched you,

point at the doll and tell me where” 

 Was it near your heart

Was it on your head

On your shoulders knees and toes

 

Did you feel uncomfortable?

 

I was the doll

I was the one being played with 

I was the one being tugged

I was the one being pulled

Being ripped to shreds

I was too unloved

 

I loved dolls but I never asked  to be one

I no longer want to be questioned

I want your confession

You treated me like I was a doll

 

You put me in the closet only to be taken down 

At your convenience 

Like a girl tired of her doll when she’s too old

 

I’m tired of answering your questions

I don’t need the recollection of everything you did to me 

Every time you popped a stitch

I don’t want to carry a sewing kit with me forever

Trying to put back the stuffing you took from me

 

Every time you popped a stitch 

I wanted to scream and cry and shout 

Tell the world this man committed a heinous act

 

I told my truth and I was silenced

My mother told me to keep it quiet

Told not to open my mouth

Told not to speak the truth

Told to take it back

And everything could go back to normal

 

What is normal

Being told to keep quiet 

Silence comes from me 

And my perpetrator’s words run free

 

Gripping my mother’s throat

Telling her not to believe what I wrote

Telling her not to believe I was groped

Telling her the monster he is was a joke

 

HE gripped my freedom

The innocence he grabbed 

The childhood I once had

And I had no one to turn to

 

He controlled every aspect of my life 

Like a doll being played with

Pulled 

And tugged

And I tore to shreds

 

I don’t believe in myself sometimes 

It didn’t happen I tell myself

I’m just making up lies 

But that’s what he did to me 

He makes me doubt my reality 

I was played with every day

Making me long for the reality I dreamt of for my doll 

I long for freedom in control of how I live 

4 years and No lady justice in sight

The court date was set 

Then again again and again pushed back

All because he knows everyone 

He knows the judge

He knows the jury

He knows the judgment

He knows how to evade Lady Justice

He controls my life 

Every aspect

I close my eyes and I see him right in front of me

Slowing ripping the threads that make me up

The doctor: you are diagnosed with PTSD 

More diagnoses all from him

All because he touched a little girl

When will it be my turn to be believed

You believe him 

Not your own daughter 

You believe him in every situation, circumstance, and position 

Not your own daughter 

You believe his lies 

And not your own daughter

When will it be my turn to be believed

They believe me 

But not my mother

They believe my story

But not my mother

 

They believe my truth

But not my mother

I may be your doll

But I will no longer live by how you play

I will believe in myself

No longer let you control 

how I think or feel or act

I know how I work

who I love

what I eat

What my favorite things are

Do not tug me

Do not pull me to your will

You will not rip me up

I AM NOT YOUR SEX DOLL

I am too well-loved

I no longer need to carry a sewing kit 

I have those around me to do so

They sew me up when I am undone

They have loved me in a way you never could

You never will

Show me on the doll how he changed you

He did not

I changed myself.

My friends changed me.

And I am my little doll.

But I am no longer powerless,

I am powerful.