December 25, 1996
Zero: I was brought home.
There isn't anything I can say.
One. Still nothing.
Two: Almost - nope still nothing.
Tree: This year for Christmas I got a teddy bear and
I name him Bear because I think its funny.
Four: This year Mom got a special cake for me ... and Cassandra.
It has the Grinch on it.
It was so big.
Five: I got so much stuff!
I got walkie-talkies and stickers and dolls and a baby stroller for my baby dolls,
But I don't like dolls so I think i'm going to use it to push Sally and Bear.
Six: Grama looks different, but I don't pay attention.
Today is Christmas.
Today is my birthday.
Seven: Grama looks worse.
Everyone should be happy, but
Grama looks worse.
I don't really care because its my birthday
It's christmas.
Seven and a half: Grama isn't here anymore.
Mom said she went to heaven.
I think I miss her.
Eight: Grama still isn't here.
Its Christmas and she still isn't here.
I don't understand death, but
I don't think she's coming back.
Eight and a half: mom is getting really sad and mad
And I don't know what to do.
Nine: This is my first Christmas without Cassandra.
I get the cake all to myself.
Its great... really. Its great
Ten: My cat died
Eleven: I'm so happy. I got New Moon from my mom.
Twelve: Umm TWELVE!
Thirteen: I can watch P.G. thirteen movies now.
Thirteen: Mom is almost happy.
I hear her cry a lot.
Fourteen: Mom got mad so I'm not getting a cake this year.
I guess its okay. A lot of people don't get cake.
Fifteen: Emilio planned a party for me.
There was dinner and cupcake cake with white frosting and purple writing.
I got a karaoke machine and Emilio has been singing all night.
Sixteen - wait go back
Fifteen and a half: I found this pipe
I knew, but I didn't want to know.
I smash it. I smash it. It is not coming back.
Sixteen: I'm with my Nina.
We're happy.
Sixteen and a half: It found its way back.
It crept into my soul like a recurring nightmare.
I thought I smashed it.
I watched it crumble to pieces the same way it crumbles families
And dreams of children.
This time I throw it out the window.
Sixteen - almost Seventeen: Mom didn't tell me we were moving.
I have two days left and don't know where to go or what to do
I have two days left. I can't take my cat.
I have two days left. I hate you!
I have two days left. My mother is silent.
Seventeen: 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ZERO.
I wish I could go back to a time before I knew the effects of crystal meth.