Dear Middle School Me,

 

There is often a time where a crosswalk will appear.

It is never in the same location, but it leads to the same location.

One end is bright, seemingly clear.

It would be so much easier to disappear.

 

To take the path is to absolve oneself of responsibility.

To absolve oneself of care, whim, or desire.

To absolve oneself of every sensibility.

It would be so much easier to disappear.

 

Life is not easy.

Life is brutal.

Life is frugal, for, in the end, it amounts to nothing; it is freezing.

It would be so much easier to disappear.

 

There are two sides of depression.

There is the sharp, penetrative blue colored by intense despair.

There is the languishing green that muddies the senses and drags you away from its recession.

It would be so much easier to disappear.

 

 

I am so sorry younger me.

You waited so long for someone to save you that you neglected to realize that you could save yourself.

Even now, you cannot see.

It would be so much easier to disappear.

 

If there is one detail that I could omit, it would be the loneliness.

Feelings of worthlessness were punctuated only by the knowledge that there was no one to share them with.

Every movement felt deprecating, inharmonious.  

It would be so much easier to disappear.

 

I wish I could have told you that some love is unconditional.

That you had someone, someones, who loved you.

I’m not sure that it would have swayed you in any one direction; it would have been repetitional.

It would have been so much easier to disappear.

 

Life is not easy.

Life is brutal.

But, life is not frugal, for, in the end, it amounts to what you make of it.

It would be so much easier to disappear;

It would be so much harder to continue to live;

It would be so much more difficult to smile;

But, that’s all the reason more to smile;

Smile even though it is hard;

Smile even when your muscles tense and you cannot smile anymore;

Life is difficult, but that is what makes it so beautiful;

Its beautiful brutality is all that is needed to cease the question of its frugality.

 

If I were to say one thing to you, I would tell you that it does get better.

I know that you would not believe me.

But, some part of you would; some part of you did.

You are standing here now, living proof that you can smile again.

 

Save this for a better light,

Yourself from another time