Turn on the ignition to the DeLorean DMC-12

Hop on to the 10 freeway to 605 going back

To the city of Paramount

Seeing the blasting bright colors of murals, old buildings

The smell of the millions of blooming flowers

You’d find 13 almost 14 year old me

Next to my old friends and him

 

Back then lord, I didn’t know he’d mean so much to me

The vivid laughing images of a red face tomato, little wrinkles in the eyes with their head tilted back

Round the dark blue table like King Arthur’s Knights

God how I wish I knew that all the problems with them

With him

All the anger, frustration, the late night pacing that wore out the soles of my shoes wouldn’t mean crap

Sitting on the edge of my bed, tears streaming down my face

Thinking that you aren’t that type of person

 

Next to the worn out classrooms

that could have used a coat of paint or two

We all sat together in the crisp cold spring morning

Self-conscious, 5’3”, long loose hair, black glasses, baby faced, me

Rubbing my hands together as if to produce a fire out of them

The throbbing ache of our sides as we bent back with laughter

Laughing, a smile as wide as a cheshire cat

 

At this age

I was goofy, yet so self-conscious

Always worried about who or what was being said about me

But making a joke at every opportunity I could

Trying to put a smile on their faces

Hoping that i’d never wake up from this fantasy

I was so in love

In love with the feeling of being around all of them

A feeling that burned inside me like a pit of fire

That picked me up and wrapped me into a warm embrace

I wore my heart on my sleeve said everyone

“Too kind, gentle, heartful”, but most of all “too loving”

 

I wish they knew how much I loved them

How it hurt me to abandon them, to leave him

When the Twin Towers were collapsing all around him

To leave the only safety net I knew

Youngerself,

You did what you could, you tried your best

Goddammit that’s all you could have done

He made his choice, no one could have changed his mind

It wasn’t your job to take care of him

M, don’t deprive yourself the joy of being happy with new people

You’ve heard it alot but it’s true, you’ll be just fine without him

 

Everything is different now,

The roses in the front porch still bloom as bright as before, but now in a different light

The spring air is still crisp cold, the round table is now empty

But everything is calm

Cody, made some bad choices

He’s doing time for it now

I’d like to say i’m the same as before but i’m not

The thought of being carefree, and outspoken seems like a distant memory

He, me, we are different now

Distant not just by the miles, but by personalities

Far away memories of a child so happy it could be mistaken as their birthday

Infinite emotions crashing down in tidal waves into our minds

Good memories last longer than bad ones

And he taught me that