Dear, Madison
  How have you been? I can already guess since you’ve been gone for quite some time. But don’t worry I still remember you.
  The way you always said ‘I’ll be the first women in the white house’. I’m sorry that isn’t going to happen because of me.
  But that doesn’t mean we won’t become president. We can still go after all of your dreams. I still write for you, for me, for us. And I’m sorry Madison Riley McELwee that you faded so that I could be seen.
   Like a solider on the battlefield taking the bullet for her comrade.
I used to say, just a few years ago, that you were dead and never coming back. So harsh, so deadly and Maybe a part of me still believes that.
   But I bet you are looking at me right now shaking your head at what I’ve become. You know the darkest parts of myself that I would never say aloud. I know you’re disappointed in me. You went away just so I could cut our body. So I could take pills and try to kill us.
  I used to..shut out your voice because it became so hostile, so hungry. you were angry and hurt and felt as if you would be hidden forever. But I promise that you will never be forgotten. I still wear our makeup as if it were war paint. Ready to defend our body but then lose the battle at home, I know. And I am so sorry that I’ve hurt us.
  We’ve both done it but I have damaged our body more than you ever have. And I am sorry.
  This wasn’t your fault.
And I’m sorry you will never have children of your own. No, ‘Mommy, mommy, look at me!’ No happy mother’s day cards, no ‘I love you mommy’ as you tuck them into their beds. I’m sorry you didn’t get your own body. If I could, I would leave this body and give it back to you. But I can’t.
  I know this has just turned into an apology letter for a girl whose name hasn’t been said in real time since I was twelve but I needed to let you know you are still in my heart and by my side.
  But this isn’t to a girl I used to be because I was never that girl. I was never Madison, Madison was a girl of her own. She was the shy goodie to-shoes wearing a fur coat in the summer because she can. But me? I am Max Ryan McELwee bold, brave, wear a dress and heels because I want, boy who used to be too faded to see. I fought to get here and I plan on staying. You won’t ever see her again and I’m sorry to my family who lost a daughter, a cousin, a sister, a niece, a granddaughter. And I’m sorry to the unborn kids that don’t have a mother.
 But I am here now. A Son, Nephew, grandson, brother, cousin. I am forever here. Cut my hair the way I want and live as I do.
  Sincerely, Max Ryan McELwee