Dear God

I just cried in the shower

But you knew that

I cry a lot now

But you knew that, too

It’s been a long while

And I know you have a plan

And that one day this will all make sense to me

That I’ll be stronger for it or better for it or something

One day

But one day seems so far away

And God

I know I should be tougher

But I just want you to fix it, please

Forgive me

For I have sinned

I am not the Job I wish I could be

And please forgive the hyperbole of that comparison

Please help me forgive myself, too

Please help me be okay with asking that of you

 

Emerson says

“When it is dark enough,

You can see the stars”

And I made that quote my home screen

So I see it every day

To remind me

There is a point

But see, there are good things

There are stars

And I see them

But it is so fleeting

The transience of beauty

Of allowing myself to be happy

And when I close my eyes

It’s still dark

I don’t want to be ungrateful

Because there are times when things are good

There is so much that is good in my life

And I know that

But I still cry on busses

And in bathrooms

 

God, I have planned my escape

You know that, too, I guess

Of course, I will never run away

But the idea appeals to me

More than it should

Much more

I would take all the things that matter

Shampoo and toothpaste, food and clothes, books and CDs

Fill my car with blankets and pillows

And drive to California

Then maybe New York

Because You see, God,

I walk through my life

Watching all the people living

Observing

And I wonder how I can be so apart and yet such a part as to be

A hurricane

Because that is me

I came through and left ruin in my wake

I am a murderer

And this is my confession

I murdered something beautiful

And left something different behind

Among shattered pieces

Of memory

So I have planned my escape

Where I will not be out of place as an observer

Where there will be no residue from my wreckage

To remind me of my brokenness

To swim through as I plow through the air above my bed

Every time I push myself from beneath my blankets

 

The plan is comforting

Because it carries in its pockets whispers of hope

Of a future without silent sobbing in school bathrooms

With my feet pulled up so no one knows I’m there

Mourning losses from the natural disaster that is

Me

From a storm that started so many months ago

I can still feel the wind

The tornado that swirls around me as I walk

An invisible wall of angry air

Between me and the rest of the world

God, do You see that, when You look at me?

Are you ashamed of the stubbornness

That prods me to hold on to the demons inside

Because letting them go

Seems like giving up

On something?

Why am I such a paradox?

Am I a paradox to You?

You made me in Your image

I hope You don’t think

I have torn it to pieces

Too broken

To recognize

Because you deserve better, God

And I’m sorry

 

Sincerely

Your natural disaster