Dear Future Me,

I am struggling in life. Dad has been verbally abusing me. He never says he is proud of me. I can't make decisions for myself, because I fear what dad will do. If I make the wrong choice or say something out of the blue, hell is going to set loose with my dad. I fear dad still. I hate myself. I hate how I look. I hate how people judge me. My feelings attack me everyday, as I know. Anxiety, depression, and paranoia. I feel like everyone around me is constantly judging me. I feel like I am not good enough. For myself, for people, for my family, for friends, for the world, and most importantly, to God. I have failed so much. I let down all the people that care about me. I just want to join my mom up in heaven. If only I can. But God says it is not my time yet. I am so ugly, so fat, so disgusting, so repulsing, so, so, so, different. I hate who I am. I am such a fuckup. I don’t deserve any friends. People always avoid me and exclude me. They always talk behind my back about me and laugh. Nobody likes me. Nobody cares about me. Nobody wants to sit next to me. No one wants to talk to me. No one acknowledges me. They use me. They take advantage of me. I hate that. I hate being the victim. But what am I to them? Nothing. Nobody. I am invisible to people. And I hate that. People look past me, walk past me like I am not even there. I am considered a ghost. I try everyday. To please people. To be noticed. To fit in. But it never works. Should I give up? No, yes? I don’t know. Maybe. Hopefully. I mean, we all die sometime...right? So why not earlier? So whether there are people that care about me, they can leave my side. I have online friends for a reason. They don’t judge me. They understand me. But people are “worried” about me because of “internet safety”. Well how about reality safety? When I say I am fine, I am actually hurt and broken inside. So future self, please consider changing for the better. Not for anyone. Change for yourself. And future self, I hope you are doing okay.

-Ashley Chow