Dear Body,

I am sorry.

 

Dear Body,

You are the vessel that gives me life,

The structure that gives me unconditional support,

Even when my world comes crashing down,

When my heart is shredded into a thousand little pieces,

You stand strong,

Unwavering.

 

Dear Body,

I am sorry that I don’t see all that you do,

That I don’t respect all you provide for me.

You keep a broken heart beating,

Lungs breathing even when the world takes my breath away,

A brain that is constantly processing even when I am sleeping.

I am sorry that I scarred you.

Not just for the skin knees from when I reach for too much,

Not just for the numerous bruises from

Bending over backwards,

Not just the sprained ankles

From twisting in too many directions.

I am sorry for the scars the litter

Your hips, thighs, stomach, and arms.

The scars that were not accidental like the others.

The ones from where the pain was too much,

The hopelessness was overwhelming,

Where I felt grief and loss would swallow me whole,

The times where the light disappeared.

I am sorry I cut you up like a piece of paper,

Where I got angry of the battle scars that I gave you,

Failing to understand that some wounds are just too deep

To disappear completely.

 

Dear body,

I am sorry for not giving you what you need.

For withholding the nutrients you needed.

I forgot how much you do for me,

Instead, I stared at reflection that was not my own,

A mirror who held a distorted image.

I am sorry I got angry at you-

Angry at the lack of a gap,

Angry at the fat that hides bone,

I am sorry that I forgot

Bone is dense and thick

But it holds me up,

Giving me the structure I need to live,

That fat is bulky,

But it necessary,

It keeps me warm and keeps me alive.

I am sorry I believed the photoshopped images in the media

Instead of listening to you.

I am sorry I ignored your cries of distress.

The extra hair you grew in attempt to keep me warm

Even as I tried to destroy you.

The bloating, the tremors

All caused by my denial.

My never ending limit.

 

Dear Body,

I am sorry that I believed them.

That no pain, no gain.

That I pushed you to the breaking point,

And then kept going.

I realize now what I have done.

I only wish I could explain to the others,

To even go back and change it.

But I did not heed your warning,

And little by little,

You could not do it anymore.

So when you reached your last straw and

I played ignorant,

It is I who should apologize.

They say my body gave out,

That my heart stopped beating,

That my body failed me.

 

But they are wrong.

It is I who failed.

 

Dear Body,

I am sorry.