Dear Arieonna,

 

It’s 11:30 pm i’m writing to tell you

i'm sorry.

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to disappear

To leave no trace saying farewell

So your sobs would silence themselves

So you didn’t break each time our mom looked at you with disappointment

Feeling invaded  

I'm sorry you feel like you're losing yourself
When your body rejects the blood of your unborn infants each month

Reminding you that your body is not the right fit for me

I know you feel like that's you sometimes

Like that's your blood flowing from your body telling you that you’ve lost your chance to live

I’m sorry!

I wish i’d noticed earlier, sometimes

Sometimes we cry together

Sometimes we cry to each other

Blaming the world for not noticing

that they we using the wrong pronouns

Using the wrong name

Why don’t they see it

Why didn't we

Sometimes i cry alone

When it’s just you and i at home

you let me play dress up

You let me push your femininity down making room for my flat chest

You let me cry when i realize it's still not flat enough

The shirt still doesn’t fit right.

But you don’t comfort me when i say it probably never will

I’m sorry that sometimes you feel like a passenger

That sometimes i don’t take “no” for an answer

I know you were supposed to have hopes and dreams

we have the same eyes..

But we aren't seeing the same things

And that frustrates you

I scrambled up your future

But i have hopes too

I'm sorry i scare you

I know i keep you up at night

And you think about my future

I know you never really think about yours

You never see yourself in ten years

Saying “cheers!” at a New Year's Eve party with co workers

In your cute royal blue blouse

Heels sky high making you feel invincible

I know you feel selfish sometimes when i feel invisible

And that makes you uncomfortable

Always trying your best not to try too hard to be you

When you don’t even know who you are

I’m sorry you were never able to figure it out

because of me

 

Sincerely Marcus,

the boy you were supposed to be.