Imagine sitting in a dark room holding something in your hand

You don't know what it is

It is bothering you, hurting your brain trying to figure it out

 

But then you remember you're in the dark

Why are you in the dark

 

You wonder what your holding in your hands would help you find your way out of the darkness

 

Hope

 

That right there will have you lost for days stronger than any drug in the world

 

Hope only brings pain when you have nothing to hope for

Hours wasted hoping

What the fuck are you hoping for

Honestly your weaker when you have dreams then when you have hope

 

Right

I know I don't make any sense but i'm hoping that my point will come across to you

 

I'm still in the dark why am I in the dark

 

I choose to change the subject

 

Why did I choose to change the subject

 

What's in my hands

 

My mind is going a million miles per hour just fast enough to make me feel faint

 

I don't know where I will fall because i'm in the dark

 

Why am I in the dark is it because I dont trust is it because I GAVE UP

What did I do wrong

 

Im hoping by now that am dead because I don not see a future in this darkness

 

Im hoping that you will help

 

But trust me I wouldn't know if you were because I'm in the dark

 

That makes me remember the time I woke up in the middle of the night to go downstairs and listen on the top of my stairway to my mother fighting with a man

 

I remember feeling trapped

Stuck at the top of the stairs while this man beat her to she was knocked out

 

I was on the top of the stairs stuck between the light and the darkness and when that man left i sat there

 

In the dark

 

And it reminds me of when I closed my eyes as hard as I could when my moms boyfriend stumbled into my room  looking if me and my sister were sleeping

 

I remember him walking over to her and reaching out

 

I remember tossing over closing my eyes pretending to wake up so  he would leave

 

Not once did I get up to turn the light on after that

 

I'm not scared of the dark

 

I live in the darkness

Is this how you're supposed to live

 

I wonder once again what is in my hands

 

It might worry you to know that I know it is a bottle of pills

 

The same bottle of pills I hid under my bed promising myself I would swallow like the pain I have been for my whole life

 

It might worry you that the whole time I was deciding whether or not to take my life I was sitting in the dark

 

Now I know That this is a nightmare

But is there a different name for it because i'm not asleep