People always ask me how it was

“Am I famous

Can you google me”

I smile and say it was fun

Nobody will ever tell you what goes on backstage

Behind scenes

Offsets

In dressing rooms

How we learn the tricks of stress

Long before our peers

Being a kid is unacceptable

Childhood has no place here

Where playdates are a treat

And vacations happen during

breaks between shows

And is the only path to social acceptance

After they make a circus freak out of you

It was easier to act

Act like I wasn’t sad

Act like my family wasn’t falling apart

Act like I wasn’t lonely

Act like I wasn’t who I was

Pretending to experience joy that was far from me

To act as far from me as possible

My IMDB will never tell you that

I only sat in corners

That closed areas were the only places I felt safe

That each time I locked my dressing room door

I cried

That my Toys R us was  a wine bottle

I’d get drunk on all the things I could acquire

Coworkers would touch you in the dark

And you wouldn’t tell anybody for years

That I lost myself on a stage

Too big for me to fill

It will only tell you that I smiled

Smiled when I was told

Was sad when directed

Got up and sat down on cue

Sang the right notes at the right time

And bowed when it was all over

Smiling

Just like they want me to

All to face my self in the mirror

Take off the make-up

And watch me transform into a stranger

But when the curtains close

The smile cracks

And my bright eyes fade to a dull

Lost

You find me empty

Void of myself

There you will see there news clippings

Photos

Scripts

And playbills

Hung up on the walls

As reminders of the role I am suppose to be

Just to forget who I am