Condolences

By: Renisha Williams

Sitting outside of this funeral home

 I’m cold and nervous.

I wipe the sweat from the palm of my hand and compose my thoughts.

 I wait for you to exit

So I can send my dearest condolences

Not solely because I’m sorry for your lost,

But mostly because I have my own selfish agenda.

I need a reason to talk to you.

To express my feelings and apologize to you.

Using the deceased as a blanket to cover up the real truth.

When I see you I’m flabbergasted.

You could say I’m at a loss for words.

I always thought this moment would be different.

That I would be able to open my mouth and let the words flow,

Flow from my mouth like a bullet leaving its capsule and flying through the wind,

Expeditious, strong and unable to be taken back.

Telling you that I apologize,

Apologize for everything that you’re going through,  

But also for what I’ve done to you.

I want you to realize that I never meant to hurt you.

We were young and immature; not only that, I’m human.

I’m not perfect, I make mistakes, but at least I can admit it.

I wasn’t ready to be committed to you or to anyone else.

 I was barely committed to myself.

But now I know that I want to be with you.

I can’t walk down the street or even go to sleep

Without having a thought of you.

I want to believe that I’m okay without you,

But Eros finds me in the midst of what I want to call happiness

And shoots me in the heart with an arrow with your name inscribed.

Laugh, Cry, Love, Hurt

A never ending cycle

But a cycle I don’t want to do without you.

So I send my dearest condolences

Not solely because I’m sorry for your lost,

But mostly because I have my own selfish agenda.

I need a reason to talk to you.