i tend to avoid other humans

why?

because i cannot interact well with them

and when i interact with them

they always want to have small talks

and well,

i suck at small talks

talking about the weather and about college life

is tedious and like some sort of monotonous ritual 

that i have with my acquaintances

i never know how to end those types of conversations 

and i hope that my smile does not seem plastic

and that i am not blinking too much out of existence

 

i also hate phone calls and video calls

which is why my friends probably all hate me

if you want to get in contact with me

please do so by text

or even by email or just pray that you see me in person

how do you even have phone calls with someone?

how can i make sure that my breathing is not ragged?

and i must have the conversation rehearsed in my head

way before the phone call even takes place

 

i also do not know how to flirt

what even is flirting?

because i just stare at someone who i am attracted to 

and then i avoid eye contact with them when they stare at me

i just hope that i can telepathically confess my feelings to them

without having to go through the embarrassing word vomit

when i actually have to talk to them

which would probably be never

 

this lifestyle seems repeated 

and boring,

but it is my comfort zone

and i do not wish to have it any other way

 

actually i lied,

i do want to break free from this comfort zone of mine

but do not pressure me to socialize

or get me to leave my house

or to repeatedly phone me

until i have to put my phone in “do not disturb” mode

let me take my time to break out of my shell and then we’ll see 

what happens when the new and improved me

becomes less awkward and less timid

and more of someone who can actually

make it through a small talk

and who does not hide away from humans

or who does not claw her eyes out at every invite

to social gatherings

these things are done step by step

until i finally reconstruct a new personality