10:55pm
(04/09/2020)

I was told that with my religion I'm not allowed, as a woman, to love another woman.

but I ask you, is it wrong for me to find someone who goes out of their way everyday to tell me I'm beautiful ?

to mesmerize in my beauty as if it were the first time she's seen me, every single time ?

is it wrong for us to have a soul connection where she literally brings calm to my crazy world and I energy to her structured lifestyle?

is it wrong, 

for us to pray every morning and every night for & with each other ?

is it wrong for her to be my encouragement and the one who keeps me on my toes ?

is it wrong I've fell for her eyes and that beautiful smile ?

i know the things you say about my religion v. my sexuality,

and how it’s somehow hypocrisy that i can have love for my God while simultaneously falling for this beautiful woman,

but i can’t comprehend where i’ve went wrong.

how i’m supposed to somehow find a man that feeds my soul, spirit, and mind the same way my person does now.

the only difference is he would have a penis .

i didn’t know genitalia was required to be the determining factor in a relationship .

i fell for her mind before i fell for her looks.

i guess they’d rather have me fall for a nigga, no matter his condition, before i fall for a woman who cares for me unconditionally.

it goes over my head.

they can’t feel the energy we reciprocate and the bond that is steadily growing,

rather they choose to focus on the gentialia which is commonly shared between both lovers,

this is foreign to me. 

how is it wrong for me to love someone that genuinely cares for my overall being ?

why am i forced to care for her from a distance or erase her memory from my mind because you choose to focus on the religion and not the wellbeing

the religion and not the growth

the religion and not the spiritual connection,

as if,

as if ,

i can’t be me and love God.

as if we can’t be one and love God.

you want to focus on our sin ?

focus on your own.

to say you want to be like Christ yet you judge as only God above can judge,

and yet we are in the wrong?

tell me how many of us God would cast away for being homosexuals and bringing people to Christ 

versus,

you claiming you are in Christ and turning people away because of their sin ?

the sin they were born into this world with.

the sin that may not be your sin, but there’s a sin you were born into this world with. 

i heard the word warriors.

maybe we are the warriors fighting one of the hardest battles of our lives, because we have to suffer with it everyday.

do you get punished for loving who you love naturally ?
no, because you weren’t born having to wage this type of war for the rest of your life.

somehow, 

you think it’s acceptable to project your distaste,

due to your ignorance and lack of understanding (more so willingness to understand),

upon us all because of what our God said. 

if all sins our equal, why is homosexuality judged and preached more often than any other sin ?

if all sins are equal, why did i get called a dyke because i have short hair,

as if that. number one was even an appropriate (but you wouldn’t know the proper terminology anyways),

or as if sexuality and hairstyles are some how intertwined thus determining the fate of that person for a lifetime.

i am at a loss.

not for words, more so for understanding.
for a comprehension of how me falling in love with woman, one that cares for me at that, causes you disgrace, and a tarnish to our family name.

i guess some things i’ll never understand.

especially how you can’t see that my religion and sexuality can,

in fact,

coexist.