I used to live in a candy shop, a wonderland of pretty pink pills and drinks so sugary sweet you cannot taste the hidden secrets inside them. Pills like candy drops that go

Pop.

Pop.

Pop.

I lived lost, unable to find myself in the darkness but too scared to turn on the lights. You and me and them all running down the path chasing the white rabbit, only to fall and never stop. The bottom never came and there were no exits in sight. Loneliness seeped into my bones and created a home in their hollow places, throwing parties, inviting in unwelcome guests. Loneliness had more friends than i did. Each one more terrible than the last and i invited them in, unwittingly, unknowingly. Young, naive, scared, lost, excited. I unstiched my skin to look for something deeper, to fish the loneliness out. This only ended in blood soaked towels and passing out. Lies flowed freely and easily from my lips. A small trickle, turning into a great river i couldn't hold back. The floodgates were opening and i had to way to stop it, i had no desire to either. I tried to start the conversation for years, it's much easier to say, laughing with friends, that you're suicidal or you have a problem. It's much harder to look your mother in the eyes and tell her that her baby girl was slipping, holding onto a ledge so tightly about to fall. Trying to travel down the same road she had once taken. A never ending stretch of dirt into the darkness. Holding the hands of drugs and depression tightly. Following them down the path and not being able to turn back. And not wanting to. The confession didn't come from me, it was dropped like an atom bomb. Unexpected, devastating. A phone call, a few lies, a week after my 17th birthday. Trapped. Trapped. Trapped. In a small room with a woman who says she’s only there to help but being able to see the sharks swimming in her eyes, waiting for the opportunity to jump out and bite. I needed help they said. Therapy, counseling, a psychiatrist, medication. I didn’t see the point, i was already taking care of myself, accepting the monsters that crawled into my body and hid in my secret places, the crevices in between my bones. Where no one could find them but me. Friends, C18H21NO4, C18H21N03, C2H6O comforted me. I didn't need anything else, i saw nothing wrong with the way things were going for me. I lied again, gates open wide, water flowing forth.

Yes, i’ll look at the therapist you picked out

Yes, i’ll consider seeing a psychiatrist

Yes, i'm okay now

No, i don't need any help, i can do this on my own

This continued on until the night i looked death in the face and challenged it. You can't get me. Im stronger than you. I taunted. A night filled with eyes swimming. Stomach turning and cramping. Scared. Alone. Crying. On my bedroom floor. Wanting to scream out but not wanting to be heard. Looking my mother in the eyes the next day telling her that all i wanted for christmas was to die. Unleashing my textured arms onto the world. Showing what ive been through. No longer dodging questions that hit hard like bullets. No more running from those who only wanted to catch me. Trying so hard not to drift away from myself. No longer saying this isn’t me, you aren’t doing this silly girl, it is someone else outside of you. You are not the one turning into what you fear most. You are not falling down the rabbit hole.

I still live in candyland. Seven pills a day. Six in the morning. One at night. To keep the monsters at bay. No longer being too scared to turn on the lights but feeling as if the darkness will now swallow me whole. I will still live with it, it will continue to grow inside me, but now i have new friends. A man named Mo who makes sure my head is responding correctly to the pills i shove down my throat. Three little and white, three large and pink, two green and white.

Seven a day

Six in the morning

One at night