This just in:

     a family went hungry last night,

     a woman died of breast cancer,

     and a child was hit by a drunk driver.

In other news:

     overpopulation, global warming, AIDS,

     floods, droughts, earthquakes,

     trouble in __________ (place 3rd world country here)

Oh, you don’t want that kind of news? Well, here’s the other:

Extra, extra:

     The Summer fashion line is in,

     Some B-list celeb did something you’ll forget about in 10 minutes, and

     Whose beach body’s best?

Also included:

     Sex, pregnancy, scandal,

     Love, divorce, style,

     Singers, actors, distractions

Is this your fault or ours?

Find out in the next issue.