i didnt actively decide to become a poet and i still dont consider myself one

it felt more like falling, like blindly doing something, im still not sure

all i know was that i wrote 

i was 7 talking about someone who did my little mind wrong

i was 12 discovering that i wasnt so happy as everyone around me thought i was

i was 14 trying to understand why it stung when mother and father made fun of gay people, made fun of trans people

i was 15 realizing that love has no gender, that i dont have to fit into the 'you are our daughter, our smart little daughter' shoes i was forced into

i was 16 shaking in fear in the comfort of my own bed in an unfamiliar room

anxiety and depresssion leaving me unable to leave my room for two weeks

weight shed from being unable to eat,

homesick for a state that i couldnt return to,

angry at my father for making us move

i was 17 more comfortable in my own skin more comfortable at the place i had to live in

but still angry because my best friend was dating someone i kindasortamaybeliked,

upset because the person i was dating wouldnt talk to me unless they were so depressed,

on the verge of a full blown crisis,

the razor still warm and red, skin freshly opened

god i still hate it

a progression from hidden notebooks, to online journals, to the notes section in my phone

a progression i hadnt realized took place throughtout the years as i wrote out my feelings

i wrote when angry, mostly

my own words had calmed me in a way i didnt understand 

i was able to redirect the feelings that i wasnt able to express to others in a healthy way

text stuck in metaphors, imagery, symbolism

poetry that read more like barely connected work vomit, but it didnt matter

what mattered was the fact that i created something

weaved my feelings into something cohesive and made sense, if only to me

poetry, for me was always a way to express myself

without it, my feelings wouldve kept bubbling inside me,

eventually boiling over,

causing catastrophe

so yeah,

im no poet

i just wrote what i felt and well,

here we are

'create poem'