Biorythm

Tue, 07/10/2018 - 23:58 -- hrsteen

Beginning

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Its 2AM & I’m lonelier than I’ve ever been.

Attachment is a funny thing It forms so quickly

It creates the most painful letdown when it’s only a few days old

 

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But my favorite times are when we’re so close you can’t tell where my freckles end and his begin

Just a blur of angel kisses all mixed together.

 

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Middle

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I have never been more in love than at this exact moment

In love with his strength and the way his arms wrap tightly around my shoulders as he hugs me

In love with the curve of his shoulder where my head rests perfectly

His gentle spirit, slow anger, lack of planning, his smile & his smirk

His unyielding love, protection, and care for me

His quick wit, honesty, loyalty

His intellectual side

His political activism

His love & connection with his family

But most of all I am in love with his heart

I love him I LOVE him I LOVE HIM

How could I ever face this life, these challenges, every day, every hour, without him

I love him I love him I love HIM

Please let my love be enough

 

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I love him fully

I longed for all the time I could get with him

Greedy

Time seemed short though, as if it were running out

I had no idea why

I just knew I needed more than a lifetime with him

He made my past drift away, a great expanse between that girl and who I became

As if everything that happened was in a different world

A past life

Distant

 

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End

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The world is dark

Spinning

Its late and I’m too drunk to actually know what time it is

I think we’ve been at the party for a while now

Then we’re in line at Whataburger

He’s driving my car and I look over to him

I’m overcome with nostalgia and full, bursting with happiness

My skin will split and sunshine will pour through

My happiness will fill the car, the city

I’m remembering high school

This town where I grew up

The salt is tangible in the air

Once again I feel 16 & carefree here

But I’m 21 now

His whole group is here and its fun

Bonfire comes on

I’ve never felt more confident than in that moment

I drunkenly nail every line of the song and it feels like magic

The air is electric, the salt igniting with our chemistry

I sloppily grin at him

This is the happiest I have ever been

The happiest I will ever be

It’s a little later now

A month has almost passed

He told me the night he fell in love with me was that night

The moment I nailed the song he just knew

He said he had never been happier than that night

He knew he loved me

That’s what he said “I love you”

I remember it perfectly

“I wanna say something, but I think its too early”

“I actually think so too”

“It’s only been 4 ½ months”

“yeah”

We looked at each other and he continued

“Fuck it, I love you”

“I love you too”

And late that May night I fell asleep contentedly next to him

The love of my life

Those 3 words would haunt me 3 years later

I snap out of the memory

I’m drunk again

The drunk night in the salt air is 3 years in the past

I am alone

I feel I’ll always be alone

I want to die

 

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“Happy Birthday” I text him

I swallow the pills and wait for the last words I’ll ever read

They’re from him

We talk

I feel like sleeping

He’s out with her

The pills make me sick

I am dying

I can’t wait for the relief of the end

 

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After

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Its been a year

So much can change in a day, a year, 3 years

How could I have let my identity become him

How could I have taken him back after the black eye and broken finger

How could I have wanted it all to end only because he left

How could I have ever doubted that the night in the car over 4 years ago would be the happiest I had ever or would ever be

I am strong

I am independent

I love myself and I don’t need anyone, even him

I am lucky

 

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Now

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I am alone & I am so happy

I am so full of love

I am overflowing with life  

 

 

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