First Amendment-

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, as long as said religion is Christianity.

Congress shall not prohibit the freedom of speech, so long as you remain silent.

Or of the freedom of the press, which we already have complete control over.

Or the right of the people peacefully to assemble and to petition the Government, as long as the petition is unsuccessful.

Second Amendment-

The people shall have the right to keep and bear arms, which they will hopefully use to wipe each other out; leaving the smart rich guys to take control.

Third Amendment-

In time of peace or war, no Soldier shall be quartered in any house without the Owner’s consent. However, if Owner does not give consent to Soldier, Owner may be subject to a head wound by Soldier’s arms. (Refer to Second Amendment)

Fourth Amendment-

The people shall have the right to secure their possessions and property against unreasonable search and seizure. However, if your possessions and property are subjected to thievery, you are on your own.

And no warrant will be issued without a probable cause.
Warrant Exceptions: A gun aimed at your head. (Refer to Second Amendment)

Fifth Amendment-

No person shall be held to answer for a crime, unless in the presence of a Grand Jury, or unless we can beat a confession out of you.

Nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy. However, it is not illegal to have biased opinions, it is just discouraged.

Nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, as his physical and mental stature will already sell him out.

Nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; because you can’t be deprived of what was never truly yours.

Sixth Amendment-

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial by a jury of the State where the crime was committed. This way we shall have the opportunity to humiliate you in public while your shame remains fresh.

And to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation, which is basically redundant; you know what you did.

To be confronted with the witnesses against him, because being insulted over the phone is plain rude.

To have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense. Good luck finding them, jailbird.

Seventh Amendment-

In suits at common law, the right of a jury shall be preserved. Just remember, people who have better things to do with their time can be easily persuaded.

And no crime tried by a jury shall be re-examined in any other United States court. Courts in Mexico and Canada, on the other hand, are fair game.

Eighth Amendment-

Excessive bail shall not be required or imposed; people are cheap enough, as it is.

Nor shall unusual or cruel punishments be inflicted; that is specifically why we left England.

Ninth Amendment-

People shall have the protection of rights not specifically listed in the constitution. Oh wait, we’re really establishing this? Darn, there go all of our loopholes.

Tenth Amendment-

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved to the States, or to the people. Most of these non-delegated powers are worthless, anyway. We had to give them to someone.