I read the book: The Brief, Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao the other day. The previous weekend actually. It went something like this: there was a fat kid, he was in love with several girls, they didn’t love him back, there was his sister who was a dreamer, head in the clouds kind of dreams and no matter how hard she tried she could never seem to get it right, and there was his mother complacent in her bitterness and she couldn’t stop being bitter.

But she loved her children. She didn't say she loved her children but she loved her children.

Because she loved them she bought them clothes so their bodies didn’t fill up with goose skin and they didn’t fall, she loved them because she fed them so they did not die, she loved them because she would say: you are not fat or ugly, my children you are you.

I imagine the love a mother has is different from the love a boyfriend or girlfriend can give. If they can give it.

I had a boyfriend for three years. I thought we were in love.

Because I love him I changed for him, because I love him I tried to color my hair for him, because I love him I was softer for him and I thought this is real love, because I love him I joined a sports team for him, and because I love him I gutted myself for him.You love someone so you give them your all and hope they don’t lose you and you think: please, don’t do this I love you.

But thing was he didn’t trust me enough to give his all to me, he trusted me the way you scratched the surface of glass, he trusted me to kill him. He didn’t trust me and as we all know you have to trust someone to love them. Love, genuine love, being in love is pain but it shouldn’t be.

That is what we have been taught. Boys pull our hair on the playground in preschool and our mamas tell us they love us because that’s what their mamas told them and we all are raised this way, you get a broken toe from practicing barre too much in ballet and people think: she must really love it, she’s passionate.

But because I love you or anything I won’t kill myself for it because love real love isn’t a funeral, it’s going down to the river, baptizing yourself, rising, and being reborn.

Because I love you I resurrect you.