healthy love and i dont have the best relationship

ironically

we’ve seen each other in the hallway and sometimes i try to wave but she thinks it’s a hug so she leans forward and i get scared and i leave and then it’s just awkward

i’m so used to unhealthy love that ive started to seek it out

anything that’s consensual or slow paced is so foreign to me i dont know how to communicate with it

so i leave

i always leave when it’s safe

i’ve started craving danger so i destroy myself through other people and call it self care

no, i protest, it’s not self harm it’s a coping skill

self destruction is the only sport i’m good at but i’m exhausted

i’m the kind of tired where you think every delirious thought is a revelation

but i know that when i think i want something better i’m not just loopy

i deserve it

i’m patching myself up and i’m calling that self care

i’m going to bed when my body needs me to

i’m washing myself in the shower instead of just sitting

i’m looking up real coping skills and trying to practice them

i’m closing my eyes and i’m taking in the sunlight

i saw healthy love in the hallway

and i hugged her first.