The fact that I cannot have him

Does not make me want to

Roll over and die.

It makes me want to scream from the hill tops

Because I am pissed.

 

I am pissed that he cannot see

How great I would treat him.

This body IS a fucking wonderland! But I am so much more than warmth between cold bed sheets.

I am pissed because he understands what I would do for him. But what he doesn’t understand is that I’d   

     kiss him before he finally goes to sleep at 2 in the morning, and make him coffee when he wakes up

     way too early.

 

I am pissed that I care so fucking much.

So much it fucking aches when I see him.

My heart wrenches when my friends tell me

“It’s time to move on,”

But how can I move on when I can’t stop thinking about the way his eyes look when he sees me?

 

The fact that I cannot have him

Does not make me want to slice up my skin

-Searching for the flaws and throwing them away-

It makes me want to drive with the windows down.

Screaming the lyrics to songs he showed me

Because I am sad.

 

I am sad that he doesn’t care about me

In the intimate ways I want him to.

I’m one of his best friends

But god dammit I want to be his best GIRL friend.

 

I am sad that I care so much.

I do nothing but worry while he is out with some other girl.

I do nothing but think about him when I’m in times of trouble-

I watched my dad fall to the floor dead

And that night I wanted to call him.

I wanted to weep into the receiver because my nephew had just been born and that very same day I

     watched my father collapse to the floor.

 

He understands me and he listens.

He has an opinion on how I’m feeling

But it makes me a better person.

He would understand that I am sad,

But he would make ME understand that I am not alone. That I can get better.

The fact that I cannot have him

Does not make me hate him.

It makes me want to scream and cry and punch walls-but that is only because I cannot kiss him.

I can’t hold his beautiful face in between my palms. I can’t wake up to the song of him calling me just

     because he misses me.

 

I once wrote a poem called

“You are my antidepressant”

Because he made me happy.

I was in a dark place and he was the light at the end of my tunnel.

We showed each other our scars and he accepted me.

 

We have grown since then but that does not change the way me heart races when I see him.

 

He has made me feel like this mind and this body could be worshipped.

He has made me feel things I have never felt before and he was on the other end of the phone.

 

The thought of being able to move on one day terrifies me.

I have thought about him every second of every day for three years and thinking about how one day

     that could go away scares me.

 

The fact that I cannot have him

Does not mean it’s the end of the world.

It’s a chance for me to get out there.

To explore the way my body moves against someone else’s instead of fingering myself to 8 second

     photos of a body on snapchat that I think is perfect.

 

 

He is one of my favorite people and he deserves to have the best.

So why isn’t he with me?

My experience is slim but that does not dim the light shining behind me eyes when I look at him.

 

I am woman. Hear. Me. Roar. That line is so over played but I am fierce and I will not let a boy dictate

     how I feel.

I am sad but god dammit I don’t want to be!

 

The phrase “everything happens for a reason” is bullshit. If I wanted to fuck him while he still had a

     girlfriend I could have. He knows I hold that power.

But I said no. I could have had a glimpse of him in a new light and I said no.

I want to gauge my fucking eyes out but I am strong.

He makes me weak at the knees but he cannot take my wit away.

 

I love him more than anything but if this never happens for me I WILL be okay.

I will cry and I will curl up into a ball for days on end.

But he will still be there.

He is one of my favorite people in the whole world and he would never leave me.

He once told me he could never hurt me. And I believe him.

He isn’t doing this to me on purpose.

So why

Am I doing this

To myself?