Who I am

Is not who I used to be

I used to love life

Life used to love me

But now

I’m just a body with no hope

No love

No care

I’m not worth much

If anything at all

I’m unlovable

And everyone agrees

Life…

It hates me

It wants me gone

But there’s still that six-year-old inside me

Smiling

Happy

Telling me to hold on

And I don’t know why

But she always convinces me

This is just a rough patch

It may be a 6-year rough patch

But all patches end

Maybe soon I’ll be like my six-year-old self again

But who knows if I’ll be able to hold on that long

They said think positive

But the demon inside me

He said no

You don’t deserve happiness

That’s only for the good girls

And me?

I’m not one of them

I deserve the awful punishments my mind created for me

I deserve the hatred Life has for me

Maybe Death will reward me

But Death

He doesn’t want me either

Where can I go if Life and Death don’t want me

Nowhere

But where’s nowhere?

Where do Life and Death end?

One ends where another begins

But it doesn't make sense 

Because I can't find a place

where they both end

I doubt it exists...

But if it does...

Maybe I’ll find something there that will love me

But the demon keeps telling me

No

Hope like that is for good girls

And you?

What are you?

A bad girl I say

And what do bad girls get?

He says to me…

Nothing I repeat, so well trained

No Hope

Or Love

Or Happiness

Or Friends

There is no hope for the girls like me

The ones who try to be good girls again

They deserve it

But the ones like me

We gave up a while ago

So we sit

And Wait

We Wait for an end

For an Escape

We want our happy old selves to reach into that pit we can’t claw out of

To throw in a ladder

Or a rope

And whisper

I’ve got you

And pull us out

But that’ll never happen

They don’t know where the girls like me are

Nobody does

And who can blame them?

Who wants to look for the girls with no point in existing?

Nobody

Nobody looks for me

Because I don’t matter

I am not a human being

I am just part of this machine

This machine that shows people how shitty we are

And how we are useless

And how they can avoid becoming us

We are the ones that get left behind

The bad girls

The girls with too many demons to count

The girls

Who are just there

The pointless

Hopeless

Obnoxious girls

We listen to our demons

Who whisper

So silently

That people don’t believe us

When we say

The Demon inside me is killing me

They laugh and say

It’s just your imagination

Or

Just Be Happy

Like I haven’t thought

And tried

And begged

To be my six-year-old self again

With my toothy grin

Cute face

But most importantly

Happy