Ever since I was five

I’ve worn a uniform to school

And been taught to remember saint days

Like they’re my best friends’ birthdays

And my principal told me when I was six

“Don’t say ‘oh my God’ if you’re not praying”

I’ve had candles held to my neck so I won’t get a cold

I’ve sang about floods drowning the world

And a young man being crucified for loving too much

I’ve been told that I love too much

But I was raised to believe

That God is synonymous with Love

So I should try to be like God

Except, not, because that’s sacrilegious

And, yes, I’ve wondered if God really is love

I’ve watched my father’s mother refuse to see us

I’ve watched my grandfather keep getting cancer

I’ve heard my mother break from pain

I’ve heard my father tell me over and over

That God is not real

He is an idea, a worldly comfort,

But there is no next world

And maybe he’s right, but I need that comfort

I’ve been called horrible things

And I fear the fire and brimstone

That they taught me about only after primary school

And I scream at God to ask why He’s abandoned me

Ask why He’s abandoned his children on Earth

After He sent His only Son to save us

I wonder if maybe we’re beyond saving

And maybe He created a new world that could be saved

I wonder if all of my beliefs,

The essential foundation of my character, whether I like it or not,

Is based on a figment

But at the end of the day

Even if there is no God, or Jesus, or Blessed Mother Mary,

I cannot live without them

Just as toddlers cannot live without

The imaginary companions of their childhood

Because, I wonder, if I were to be

Stripped of these companions

Who have helped raise me,

What would be left?