It is with good reason that I believe
Our greatest sins are hypocrisy
What it means to go through life as a contradiction to oneself
Not enough dissonance could be synthesized in my mind to make up for that
What I have been taught through words, life's own silent poetry of thoughts
What I have been taught about faith is that it's found within fluidity
Faith is about human and humility
Without speaking negatively I'd like to say do not go crying to God
Asking him why he is doing this to you
It is life and the pain is just as beautiful as the love if you learn to see that each thing He does
As an act of teaching you a lesson
Not in the same way your mother would say after breaking your skin from inflicting anger
No, this lesson is different because even though it may hurt it is not done blindly.
My poetry used to be a cry to a God I didn't know I believed in
A whimper to some silent power for me to place blame in
Because I saw myself as a victim of my own life rather than its muse.
And if there is anything that this taught me over time it's that my life is not meant to be a punishment
If that were the case who would I be fighting against?
It is the power of the mind that means everything and through words,
I have learned to write a poem to God each night
Thanking God for my life and all that I have been through and seen to get me to where I am
The last line is always Amen
I don't know if my God is a man
But maybe that is because men have only taught me about neglect and shielding of emotions
My God is not a woman because the womb is a place beautiful and pure enough on its own
The Earth is my mother.
Womanhood is a pretty notion and it feels much more grounded to me than the power
The energy I feel comes from the outside
The stars and the sky.
Faith does not conform to binaries and the spirit needs no human label.
Faith is about fluidity and there are no harsh edges
There is no wrong way to go about being a human
You are human whether you like it or not and besides
I find comfortability in the not knowing of things
What is beyond my control when it comes to my fate
God's plan or whatever it is that this journey may bring me
All I know is that I am still learning and the lines of my faith have been blurred
As to when and if I ever started or stopped believing.
My message is this,
The idea of small sins is bullshit
My God knows that anger, violence, and neglect come out of hardship
My God understands that terrible things can happen in someone who has never found or
Even been shown a reason to believe in love
So they have no way of knowing how to be anything but heartless.
This God understands that people have to find faith on their own
My God has been an underlying confusion for years while I prayed in bathtubs
To something I didn't have a name for
I asked for mercy and I asked for forgiveness
But as I have learned
My God is not to blame for my pain.
Asking "Why me?" became selfish
If God is with us always how would there be time for anything or anyone else?
I learned that it is useless to place blame on external powers
Those are done unpurposefully on purpose
I cannot be angry at what is beyond my control,
To play victim to a God who is only there to provide love and support during those trials
Nothing happens without reason,
With every difficulty, there is a lesson to be learned and that is the mindset key to success.
Maybe Earth is just an experiment
Maybe every word in the bible is true
But my God comes to me not from the words of a book
God makes themselves known by my memories, feelings, growth
When I began to pray life found realignment
I started thanking the Universe for blessing me with the ways that I have learned
What life has taught me far outweighs the abuse, negligence, and triadic layers of my pain
It is undeniable that those things have paved my path and helped me to feel whole again.
Maybe this has been my purpose all along
Call it what you will, denial, neglect, or logic
My faith is learned but it was not taught to me by anyone
But poetry and God itself
It is to this that I must say "thank you"
To the humans in my life who have pushed or pulled me in the right directions
They are all right directions
I am happy to have found prayer and my own version of God to believe in
Finding forgiveness and being able to cross the task of having faith in love off of my bucket list