The first time I was told I was too loud, was by my own mother,

She had good intentions, but that just made it hit harder.

"Daughter of mine," she said, "you laugh is too bolstering,

No man will think that is attractive." So imagine me with my glee holding.

My joy and enjoyment for all,

went from a powerful BAH HA HA HA,

To a painful held squeak,

to the degree of a Eek, eek, eek.

The second time I was criticized, I know she meant not to turn me fake,

But "Honey, no boys will like those faces you make."

That is my face! I thought as I stared hard into the reflection,

Seeing the ways my tongue curl, forehead wrinkle and lips snarl my friction.

This is just how I am natural,

but no man will love me at all.

Maybe if I become thin, if I lose whatever excess I have in weight,

Thats the only outside I can change, guys will like that....Right?

The next time she criticized it was not because she doesn't love me,

It's that she didn't know my way all just yet, poor Mommy.

I told her how I stood up against a jerk, how I said "Fuck off, Pig!" and stood my ground.

"Oh dear!" She shook, hand pressed against her mouth, "You shouldn't talk like that." No sound.

I was suppose to be a lady,

be gentile, give curtsey.

A lady, is not like this,

inconsiderate, verbose, indiscreet.

We are to hold our tongues and smile.

So I held my tongue.

I stopped speaking,

stopped eating,

stopping laughing,

because who could love one's who laugh is now more obnoxious and embarrassing?

Instead I began bleeding since I made it came seeping through my wrists, where else was it to be released?!

I fainted in class, not expectating my weakness was just food, was now my body thin, chilled, fleeted.

How was I to speak, to explain my pain, when I was instructed no one wanted to hear my thoughts,

I was expected to be a lady, soft and unwanted in the world to hear about our faults.

I fainted, I fell hard, linoleum against my face, hands grasping the desk leg,

on the ground I began crying tears and screamed, for the first time in months, "Screw this grave society has dug!"

I refuse to be a lady!

I refuse to hold back all my emotion!

Fuck being a lady, I AM A WOMAN!

I will laugh louder, hard, and let those hear my joy,

I will scare away those afraid to face my face which I have curved, no more coy,

I will tell you to bugger off, when you've pissed me off,

I will tell you I care and love and where your opinions you yourself can stuff.

I will no longer fear the expectancy of what men want,

I should not be a possession for them to flaunt!!




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