And Still You Expect Me Not to Skip Gym
For those of us who have never had gymnastics in school
Here's what it's like to lose balance.
Because that's what it is
Balancing on a fence
On a fence between two expanses
The emotional expense excruciating.
Walking til my feet turn purple
Purple for the number of times someone asked me
If I'm a boy or a girl
And I rallied defiantly NO.
Imagine for a second feeling like a hateful bigot was put into a different position of power every morning.
Walking til my shoulders get sunburn red
Red for the crimson rage
That tears its way down my body, vandalizing the sense of self
That keeps me going
Walking on through the sweltering heat of battles and senatorial debates
The politics heavy on my broken skin
And that's where we begin.
I don't have to walk alone
But it's easy to forget when
the explanations pile up against the walls
A house divided against itself is bound to fall
United we stand, against it all,
But that's easy to forget when
Nobody seems to ask but everyone wants to know
Questions prodding at the fiber of my being
Some resepectful, some a hurricane
And I have so few answers to shield myself with
It's easy to forget when
Breathing exercises don't help my panic attacks
Instead making my binder stain my back bruise black-blue
It's easy to forget when
I only feel safe traveling before nightfall.
Why do I only feel safe traveling before nightfall?
Why do I only feel safe traveling before nightfall?
I AM VALID.
But in the dark there are no shadows to hide in.
My thoughts are a swirling mess of fumes and fear
I'm a war with my fate.
Predestined to have the dimensions of a box
That locks
I am trapped.
I go where the tracks
That make tracks in the sand
Abandon me beyond abandonment and
Open
Into an expanse of nothing
The edges of the world that held me up have gone away and
I am alone
And a door closes
That's a lot-it could also
Open
I see the other side of this tunnel
Although the other side is dark as night and i lose track of the track
I lose sight of my vision
I lose time
Because it could either be the middle of the night
Or it could
Open
Into something bigger
Something more like
Morning
But I'm still mourning yesterday
And the rusty gates creak
Protest
Scream out against the hinges
As slowly
I force them
Open.