If life as a 17 year old is supposed to be a walk in the park, then why do I feel like I’m drowning in the ocean? I feel like I no longer have control over my life. I feel like I’m shouting out on a vacant rooftop only to be silenced before I even speak. It’s like I’ve fallen off a cliff only to keep falling and falling, never reaching the bottom. Never reaching the end. It’s like I’m dying, every breath becoming shorter and every day becoming longer. I feel as if my soul is personally digging its own grave, waiting for the day my heart and brain finally cave in. I feel like a corpse with a heartbeat, just dragging my lifeless body around trying to get through the day until finally, I run out of time. I am so broken that I can physically feel the change in my body. I can feel the emptiness, the ache of my sadness running through my veins. It’s worse because I don’t feel alone. I AM alone. Everybody is too busy watching their demons struggle in cages to notice mine have been released inside of me.  The expression goes “eyes are the windows to the soul” which explains why nobody wants to look into mine. Nobody wants to see the “smart and happy” girl in pain. Heavy, indestructible pain. A fire burns in my eyes. But not the beautiful kind. Not the campfire kind. The fire in my eyes is the kind that engulfs everything in its path. The destructive kind, the ruthless kind. Nobody noticing until it’s too late but that’s the thing about fires. They start when you least expect it. Perhaps one day, I will finally swim to the surface. Maybe one day, the fire in my eyes will be fueled by happiness. I know eventually I will find the person I am. The person I was supposed to be. But for now, I will continue to bathe in sadness, hope being the only lifesaver that’s keeping me from drowning. 

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