How do you measure worth? 

There was a girl

who decided

that the width of her hips

and the girth of her stomach 

determined her worth.                        

She believed her thighs

were wider and                    

stomach bigger

than others—

 

Others who had

slim thighs and 

flat stomachs.

A chatty personality

A happy life.

A fit body.

 

Soon she realized what she must do:

Improve her body to be

Fitter.

Happier.

Chattier.

Because she was not those things.

Compared to other girls, she was

Chubbier.

Quieter.

More serious.

 

She saw what had to be fixed.

Then went to attain what she lacked…

 

I am worthless. I am smart but have no friends. No one wants to be with me. I am a loser who does nothing. Who has no life. Who needs to do something useful…                                       

 

Grades became less important.

Her life was soon devoted to physical pursuits:

Sit-ups and push-ups.

Crunches and lunges.

Squats and planks.

Whether busy or bored.

Laughing or crying.

She did what she set her mind to.

Exceeding her body’s prior limits.

 

…Nineteen…twenty. Done. Wait…

I  can do more.

I must do more.

I must work to eat.

I must work to be strong.

If I don’t I am weak

Fifty…fifty-one…

 

These are the thoughts that

Ran through her head as she

Ran through her routine.

How much more 

Could she endure?                

With numbers where 

Should she stop?            

Does she stop when she knows she could 

Push herself further,

Her body harder?

                            

See, this girl was an achiever, and

These were the lies she told herself as 

Her family told her that

She was starving herself.

But she chose to not listen.

Like an addict’s high, she got high

From hunger and exercise.

Her needs became insatiable.

Her sadness more frequent and  

The numbing effects more transient.

 

Numbers filled her head.                            

To exceed them when working.                            

To restrict them when eating.                            

She counted them all. 

She could not resist the whispers:

A little more and you can be a little less.

 

This girl did not see how she was being 

Consumed by a beast.

A creature who fed off of

doubt and fear.

Soon her mind became one

with the monster’s…or was she the monster?

 

As she pushed herself further,

She pushed her family farther.

As she watched her body thin,

She saw her patience thin.

Her smiles lessen.

Her mind dim.

 

In the mirror what was shown

Displeased her.

On the scale the numbers were

Not low enough.                       

She failed to see how it— this habit— was

Eating away at her. 

It consumed her mind and her body. 

Whereas she consumed 

Next to nothing.

 

Her parents talked with her.

She said she would stop. 

But she did not.

She could never see her inner beauty.

Hating with the eyes

Instead of loving with the heart.

 

She had been lost.

She had thought that she had no purpose. 

So she created her own. 

But what a mistake did she make.

Control and confidence 

Was what she aimed for.

Self-hate and anxiety

Is what she got.

 

Trapped.

A prisoner within her own mind.

 

r      e a      c h i       n g

 

For release

But always

Returning to her 

 

Deep

 

Dark

 

Confines.