alive
a l i v e
the anticipation
sitting on the stage
bow in hand
but trying to escape
the bow slips because the apprehension of the coming notes is making your fingers nervous
they’re shaking and sweating and crying
they’re shuddering and shrinking and cowering
they ache with a dread but it is a delightful dread
a dread you would yearn for
your fingers will hide forever
you’re never going to get them to stop being afraid
you just have to push them out of their hiding places
force them into the music
it doesn’t mean they won’t still quiver in fear
because trust me, they will
it just means they will be where they need to be and they will do what they need to do
they’ll do it because they dread it
they’ll do it because they y e a r n for it
they’ll do it because once it starts, they cannot stop until it is over
your legs will bounce
like the pads of your feet are made of glitter
the energy in your feet is light
your feet, unlike your fingers, are ready
they jump jump jump
they plead for it all to begin
like children waiting for their turn on the swings
they want to feel the freedom of the music
like the wind flying through your hair
c a l m
your mind is a pond lacking ripples
still and tranquil on top
as though the pond has frozen solid
but underneath
frenzy
your mind is racing
the fish swim around frantically
remembering every flat
recalling every sharp
making sure not one single note is forgotten
because every one of them is vital
one broken link, and a chain is useless
one missing ingredient and the dish is not the same
you may wonder how your mind can be so serene and restless at the same time
I could not tell you for I do not know
it is a phenomenon that no man can rationalize
we just accept it because we know we can’t explain it
consider it a new kind of emotion
the emotion of playing music
a childlike wonder and an elder’s wisdom
the respect that a circus performer has for a great cat
a mother’s love for their child
if you do not respect the animal, it will turn on you
if you do not respect the music, it will not work with you
if you do not love your child, how can you call yourself a mother?
if you do not love the music, how can you call yourself a musician?
music demands passion and reverence
dignity and fervor
feeling and f i r e
now
the lights are changing
your fingers freeze in place
your feet have stopped their jumping
you can hear the surrounding heartbeats diminish
a breath is taken in unison and held
every eye is fixed on one point
the end of a simple baton
flick
a gunshot at the beginning of a race
the stoplight turns fluorescent green
everything happens so suddenly
you cannot recall how it began
it resonates through every nerve in your body
the symphony flows up from your feet to the ends of your shaking fingertips
it is so strong, it pushes you out of you body and takes control
your soul becomes the music
right now, you do not exist
the only thing that exists is this feeling
the melody is a l i v e
you were never living until now