Maybe I don't love all of myself

But I love all of you

And that's good enough isn't it?

I'm, good enough aren't I?

I don't know why they call it heart break because it feels more like heart shatter, more like heart implosion.

More like the end of something that could've been more of something,

but it wasn't because you said-

I don't feel that way,

about you anymore.

This just won't work. 

And I guess it wouldn't have, because you didn't love me

the way that I loved you. 

You didn't look at me,

the same way that I looked at you.

You never really even said my name, 

you always just called me something else like babe, or cutie, or handsome. 

But never, my name.

You never asked for my sweatshirt, or called me when you were feeling upset, or even cried around me when something went wrong-

you always went somewhere else to cry,

always found a different shoulder.

It was never mine. 

You, were never mine. 

And maybe I should've expected it-

but it was still a surprise when you told me that day on the phone, 

I'm sorry I just 

I don't know what this is anymore.

But I did.

It was all just this elaborate lie I told myself to fulfill this empty place inside my chest. 

You helped me tape stars there,

Where there was once only chasm. 

And now you want your stars back.

So have them dammit.

Take your stupid stars.

Your stupid amazing laugh,

Your stupid uneven dimples,

Your stupid beautiful face,

And stuff them all into a stupid, garbage bin. 

Go ahead and toss my feelings in there too.

Cause I won't need them anymore,

After you. 

After us.

I used to think that if I held you close enough,

I could feel your heart and my heart beating together.

But yours was always too slow, and mine was always fluttering. 

Guess I should've known.

I used to think that if I told you how beautiful you were,

You'd tell me that you weren't,

So that I could explain all the reasons you were.

But you always just said, Duh.

Guess I should've known. 

I used to think that if I said I loved you loud enough, 

You'd say it back. 

But you never, 

ever did.

Guess I should've known. 

Guess I should've fucking known! 

And maybe I did but I was drowning in denial,

Because the first requirement for love is trust. 

And I trusted you!

I trusted a liar and that gets people hurt.

So I denied that you didn't love me,

Because in the end I didn't even love you, 

I just needed a drug to satisfy the insatiable hunger of depression.

I needed to feed these demons that demand I keep my schedule open so that they can have their way with me in peace. 

I gave up a long time ago and you said that I could still fight. 

But these were all empty words of course.

Once you got what you came for you didn't have to say anything at all. 

Nothing you said ever meant anything. 

And yet I want you to say it all over again. 

I want to fall in love with you,

All over again. 

All over again. 

Even if love is shallow. 

And without passion.

I want to love you, 

All over again. 

Because loving somebody else,

Is the closest thing I've ever had to loving myself. 

You were the closest thing I've ever had,

to loving myself. 



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