An Ache Unfamiliar

I do not know how long it has been

Since I felt a pain so great as this

It wells up, down deep inside of me

Spits fire my unsated soul can’t resist.

 

I burn and I flail under this new burden

Wrought from betrayal of him whom I love best

The lie and tragedy brought forth and then

My woe esteemed, my worried soul could rest.

 

For now I know, and fear is left behind

By utter despair, invoked by cruel truth

Of him who lost my trust, his weakness so unkind

Sharp his betrayal, a new summit in my youth.

 

Finding physical comfort in another

At such a distance how can I begrudge

I once pledged a need to call him lover

Now fear and insanity be our love’s judge.

 

Internally I weep and moan and groan

Belligerent sadness plagues me, my rain

On a storm-tossed ocean I lay dead upon the foam

When he held her, did he think only of my name?

 

I know not what to do, what to feel, how to act

I want him still, for he that my love feeds

Incessant doubt he counters my inability to extract

Love is a barbarian from whom joy I need.

 

Perhaps I’m not enough, yet how to be more?

I doubt myself, what's more, I doubt his intentions

Anxiety and worthlessness I now constantly endure

Is my worry fate’s sign of intervention?

 

So ready was I for such a nice guy

Publicly famed as being overlooked, ignored

I thought he was different, interesting, and wise

Unsure certainty, was I ever really adored?

 

Anxious, I knew before I knew, before he told

Asked him, was there yet a secret he was keeping

Asked he for reassurance, suffering he sold

Consumed in insanity I seemed to be, worry reaping.

 

So long he went on without my knowing

My honor and dignity too easily surmised

Embarrassed am I, my weakness he was showing

Friendships counsel; abandon quickly advised

 

My trust was yours, supposedly entirely ensured

A gift in no way do I easily bestow

My troubled heart for you I near matured

Perhaps I face again a Carrion Crow

 

I’ve heard her name too many a thoughtless time

My need for his sincerity trumped suspect

Their friendship I was sure unthreatening, fine

The week he waited through his words I did detect

 

I long again for an untroubled embrace

Yet my feelings are now unavoidably tainted

Invariably, I see her in my own face,

My world was shattered, false, and painted

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