I’m trying to remember when I lost control of this conversation

Of this motivation

of this exploration, fascination, generation, education, confiscation, celebration, deprivation. Ah.

I don’t even know where I was going with that.

 

I’m fighting my way through these intense conversations, telling myself

It’s almost over.

It’s almost over.

It’s almost over.

Just stay quiet and you’ll be free.

 

Word after word, scream after scream, I am flinching.

Never could I have done worse than this, or so I thought.

 

Things get better, then they get worse.

Things get a little better again, and then they get way worse.

Things are so good, better than ever! Then they hit rock bottom.

 

There is no coming back from this one.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no wise voice speaking me through it all, no older sister to bail me out, no solution to this one.

 

No more freedom, no more privilege, no more leeway, no more fun.

From now on, it is only responsibility, captivity, limitation, and restriction.

 

I knew this would happen.

I knew my own fate.

I knew I was dead,

 

But I ignored that.

 

I told myself I’ll survive

I told myself it wasn’t that bad

I told myself that I don’t have to live with this.

 

Well, guess what, self.

You’ve never been more wrong.

 

All these years I trusted you,

I abided by you

I believed in you

I gave you the chance nobody else would.

 

I took your side when everyone told me not to.

Not anymore.

 

I’ve learned my lesson and things are back in my control.

my rules, my life, my actions.

 

I am in charge. I am confident.

This is my reality

 

I hit rock bottom,

but humans float.